Good morning, students of the Goldman Sachs Holy Trinity Lehman LearningFirst Inc. Elementary School! I am thrilled to be delivering your morning announcements today, which I am currently delivering outside using a megaphone because protesters have blocked me from entering your building.

Before we begin the announcements, I want to reassure all staff still worried about my appointment that I am extremely knowledgeable about schools and the people who walk around inside of them and do things in them. Take, as evidence, my recent tweet about pencils. Pencils are very school-y! They were the first thing that came to mind when I thought about school recently. (They still do pencils in school, right? Are they still doing pencils in school?…)

The Trump Administration has a lot of exciting ideas for education in this country: HeadStart for Fetuses, extending the school week into Sunday, canceling summer, replacing school libraries with Ivanka Trump apparel boutiques… it’s high time for parents — not the government — to decide what’s best for children, and I, as an outsider, can make that happen as only an outsider could. I am in fact still outside, right now.

Now, your morning announcements! Special events going on this week: There will be a silent auction after school on Friday organized by the PTA. Proceeds from the auction will go towards repairs for the wheelchair ramp by the main cafeteria entrance.

Hoo boy, wheelchairs. You know, I once encountered a disabled woman when I parked in the only handicapped space outside of the Grand Rapids Country Club, and she drove away shaking her fist at me. I’m sure she faced many challenges in her life, such as me parking in her handicapped parking space because I knew I could pay the fine. Let me give you my sincerest guarantee that as Secretary of Education, I will only very rarely park in the handicapped parking spaces of elementary schoolchildren who have disabilities. (They drive, right? When do they start driving?…)

Another event scheduled this week: On Wednesday night, there will be an after-school session for parents and students on how to begin saving for college.

Look, kids — if you really feel like you need to go to college, there are plenty of ways for you to pay for it, like working two full-time jobs while being a student, or inheriting a fortune, or selling your kidneys. I know lots of old people in Grand Rapids who would pay top dollar for a kidney. Princeton will be fully paid for once you sell one, two, maybe three of your kidneys. Or however many kidneys you have.

Teachers, do we have a class in school yet for learning about kidneys? Like how many kidneys there are, what they do, how God creates them, etc.? Write that down and plan it for next year.

Next announcement: There will be a lockdown drill at some point this week. When the emergency announcement is made, all students and teachers should lock doors, close blinds, and barricade all entry points and windows with classroom furniture until the drill has concluded.

This, I assume, is in preparation for the impending Grizzly Bear Armageddon.

On Thursday, there will be a modified schedule to accommodate the fifth grade’s standardized testing.

I should add here that next year, standardized testing of students will be replaced with a Hunger Games-style culling of teachers to eliminate those who are unable to successfully improve student learning or hunt wild game for survival.

Moving on, this afternoon the Tooth Fairy will visit kindergarten classrooms as a special guest to talk to students about the importance of tooth-brushing and what to expect when they start losing teeth.

Hmmm. Aren’t kindergarteners a little old to believe in the Tooth Fairy? (They’re the ones that do prom?… Or are they the ones that do the hand turkeys? Maybe I have them confused.)

This week’s Student All-Star is Ashley Johnson, a third grader in Mrs. Henry’s class, who rounded up more than a hundred books to donate to the annual book drive organized by Reading is Fundamental…

Is it, though?

This month’s Super Citizenship Award goes to Emily Neuman, a sixth-grader who wrote a letter to her senator that was read on the morning radio about the importance of ensuring that girls’ soccer teams receive equal access to equipment and field time as boys’ teams.

What? OK, enough of these — I’ll just quickly wrap things up here.

National Reading Month: Is cancelled.

After-school activities: Have been scrapped indefinitely.

Announcing this year’s school musical: A year-round, silent living crèche.

Today’s lunch menu: A single apple, generously donated by me as compensation for the free school meal programs that I will be eliminating. (Apples, like pencils, are also very school-y!)

Today’s inspirational quote: “Education must not simply teach work — it must teach life.” That was Booker T. Du Bois who said that, I think.

Today’s Student Safety Reminder from Officer Jim: “Remember, strangers can mean danger! If you ever see a stranger near the playground, do not speak to him — report him to Officer Jim.”

But kids, if you see a strange man prowling the school library setting books on fire, do not report him. That is just Steve Bannon.

And now for the pledge of allegiance…