Dear Time Traveler,
I know you are out there. And I know what you are doing.
It hardly seems a day goes by now that I don’t witness an example of your machinations. President Trump will make a great speech or grace the nation with one of his witty tweets, and within an hour the locusts of the media are all over him. They’ll smugly rant about how what the president said wasn’t true, about how the Paris Agreement doesn’t actually prevent the US from building coal plants or that more people gained insurance under Obamacare than lost it.
Some look at these reports and say they are proof that President Trump is a serial liar. To those that have been brainwashed by fake news and liberal propaganda and events that they’ve seen with their own eyes, things like falsehoods regarding the size of the crowd at the presidential inauguration or baseless claims about fraudulent voters, show that our president has some sort of aversion to telling the truth.
But I know the truth. Someone is going back in time and changing events, thus making President Trump’s statements false. And that someone is you.
Now, I’m not sure exactly what kind of traveler you are. Obviously any idiot with a DeLorean could hit 88 miles per hour and stop Alicia Machado from making her sex tape. It would probably require a higher, more H.G. Wells style of intellect to hide the thousands of Muslims in New Jersey who were celebrating on 9/11. But if I had to guess, I would pin you as a Time Lord. After all, going back in time and somehow changing it so that most murders of White people aren’t in fact committed by Black people, all in an effort to make one of Trump’s retweets seem foolish and racist? That is some Doctor Who type chicanery if I’ve ever seen it.
It wasn’t all that hard to figure out your game when I stopped and thought about it. I mean, after all, what other explanation is there? That a successful businessman is so ignorant of the nature of the information age that he doesn’t realize that evidence exposing a falsehood is easily obtained? That this titan of industry has spent so long surrounding himself with “yes” men and sycophants that it never occurs to him to question the accuracy of a single thought that pops into his head? That a man who now has access to nuclear launch codes is lost in a haze of narcissism so thick that it cannot be penetrated by any outside information that would in any way contradict the image he has of himself?
Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t some movie. This is clearly a case of you having no respect for the sanctity of the space-time continuum.
And even worse than the fact that your shenanigans lets losers take pot shots at the president, is the way that he now has no choice but to modify his own speech. Clearly he has an inkling of what you are up to, so he knows he can’t speak with his natural confidence. After all, he never knows when you might just hop back in time and ruin things. Now, he has to temper his brilliant insights and observations with phrases like, “Lots of people are saying this” or “my people have been telling me.” Obviously, since he is a man so beloved for telling it like it is, he would never naturally speak this way. He would only hide behind such cowardly qualifiers if he was the victim of a cruel chronal plot. How could you force him to behave so contrary to his character? No one is as tough and brave as him.
He has a purple heart, you know.
Do you have a purple heart? No way. The best you probably have is a stupid blue police box.
Please, can’t you see that we are all trying to move forward? After eight years of Obama dividing this nation by refusing to admit he was a secret Muslim who hated white people, we are finally ready to come together as a country again. But to do that, we need a strong leader. Every time you slip down some wormhole (or whatever you do) and remove Obama’s wiretaps from Trump Tower or delete the apology that the New York Times had to run because of their terrible coverage, you undercut the President’s ability to lead. He can’t constantly have his tweets and speeches look like nonsensical ramblings and expect his supporters to stay loyal. I mean, they must have a limit, right? There has to be a point where enough empirical evidence will sway how they feel about him and make them reconsider their position, right? That just has to happen eventually. Right?
So I implore you, stop your temporal assault on this great man. Think of all the better things you could be doing with your power. You could kill Hitler or prevent 9/11 or stop them from putting that black stormtrooper in Star Wars. Surely you have loftier goals than trying to make a mockery of a man who won the presidency by more electoral votes than anyone since Reagan.
You’re not going to change that now too, are you?