1. Call your congressperson and read the following script: “Hello, I’m calling to express my deep concern with literally everything right now. For an accurate representation of how I feel…” Then drop your phone into a garbage disposal.
2. Get into a heated Facebook back and forth with fellow progressives over why Hillary lost. It doesn’t matter what your opinion is as long as you really dig in and assert your intelligence. This will intimidate the GOP into conceding the midterms.
3. Surgically replace your lungs with two blimps to allow you to maintain one continuous sigh for the next four years.
4. Sign a petition. Then sign another. Quit your day job and spend as much time signing petitions as possible. The more signing your do the stronger your fingers will become. Once your fingers are sufficiently ripped, you can use them to pull your hair out all at once while screaming into a couch cushion.
5. Boycott places of business that are friendly to the Trump administration — except for when you really need something and it would be inconvenient to shop somewhere else.
6. Support real journalism by subscribing to your favorite newspapers and magazines then canceling after a few months once the stack on your coffee table gets out of control.
7. Give the middle finger to any wall you see. We mustn’t normalize walls.
8. Take a comedy class. Work day in and day out honing your craft. After years of hard work, get hired by SNL. Write a sketch that is mildly critical of Trump. When he goes on a Twitter rant about how the show has gone downhill, take a screenshot and send it to your mom along with the message, “I got under the leader of the free world’s skin! Pretty cool, huh?” It won’t change anything, but making your mom proud can never be a bad thing.
9. Buy as much crude oil as you can and Fed-Ex it into space before it can be burned.
10. Travel to Washington, D.C. to shake your fist at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in person. Nothing beats direct action. Sure, Trump himself will be in Trump Tower in Manhattan, but the White House groundskeeper will pass along the message.
11. Call a Trump supporter and listen. Try to understand where they’re coming from. Simply let them talk and deny you employment because you are gay, and enter you into a Muslim registry, and force you to hold a funeral for your miscarriage, and deport you, and pretend climate change is a hoax, and cut taxes for the wealthy, and bring us to the brink of World War III. Everything will be okay as long as you are listening and practicing empathy.
12. Be white and straight and rich and male and just kinda wait it out.