I feel like I’m dying. My head is constantly throbbing. I wake up in cold sweats. I haven’t had a solid poop in weeks. Every waking moment — plus every dream, now that I think about it — is dedicated to Donald Trump. Please, do not bring him up around me. I’m going to snap. There has to be something else to talk about.
Let’s try television. There are so many great shows, like Veep, Silicon Valley, and The Americans. But Veep is about an inept president who’s still somehow better than Trump, Facebook board member Peter Thiel is one of Trump’s biggest backers, and Russia influenced the election. Maybe it’s okay to just guess who will win the most awards. Nope, Trump also whined about the Emmys during a debate. TV is officially off limits.
How about football? The Patriots are having another dominant season, London may get a team one day, and the Buffalo Bills are yet again in turmoil. Turns out Tom Brady is Trump’s buddy, many experts draw parallels between Brexit and Trump’s rise, and Trump recently considered buying the Bills. Perhaps we can stick to a broader issue in football, like the concussions epidemic. Wait, Trump tweeted that new rules protecting players from brain damage are making the league “soft.” He’s everywhere.
A topic as innocuous as the weather has to be fine, right? This winter sure has been warm. Goddamn it, Trump is a climate change denier; He thinks it’s a hoax invented by the Chinese. This is awful. Any subject can be related back to Trump.
Nowhere is safe. The gym should be a place to relieve stress and forget about your problems. Too bad meatheads still loudly rant about Hillary’s emails, how great it is that Trump’s not a “politician,” and that Fox News is the only reliable news source. Even going in the locker room reminds me of Trump’s pathetic excuse after he bragged about sexually assaulting women. I thought I could exercise and make myself feel better for an hour. I thought I could finally breathe.
I understand that the leader of the free world is important and worthy of discussion. I agree that the election’s results are endlessly interesting. I get that Trump is a one-of-a-kind sociopath with a nuclear arsenal at his disposal. And because so many are in danger under Trump, we do need to constantly work against him and ensure that people are unharmed. But as far as every day conversation goes, I’m sorry. I just can’t take it anymore.
I can no longer only have the same conversations over and over again. “I bet Trump doesn’t even know when he’s lying anymore,” “Boy, it sure is amazing how unqualified Trump is,” “How crazy is it that Trump picked that guy for his cabinet?” It’s come to the point that I have rehearsed responses ready for each prompt. I have yet to hear a unique point about anything remotely Trump-related, something that hasn’t been the subject of at least a dozen preachy think pieces, hundreds of cringeworthy Facebook posts, or is simply common sense.
Let us resolve to be more creative in this new year. We are smart enough to entertain ourselves with things unrelated to Trump’s buffoonery, which is usually so absurd, it’s almost as though it’s done purposefully to distract us from his dangerous policies and most evil plans. So for our own sanity and the good of this nation, we must try.
But oh my god, did you see what Trump just did?