Good day. I am Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer. I think. I might be his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer. I have an email to his lawyer’s lawyer seeking some clarification on precisely who the fuck I am. I am somewhat certain that I am his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer because that is what Kellyanne said I was when she was talking once. But who knows.
And in an abundance of caution, I should be more precise. I am actually Trump’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer’s personal lawyer. Just to be clear.
Anyway, I fancy myself a bright guy. I did well enough in law school to land myself a job at a respectable firm outside of Washington, DC. So when I got a call from Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer asking me to be his lawyer, I said “Sure thing!” No problem too big. No problem too small. If you have a phone then you have a lawyer. I pride myself on representing people of all backgrounds facing the panoply of legal problems that can befall a person.
But I am not exactly sure what is happening here. What kind of law even is this—being a lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer? I got an A in torts. Is this a Tort? Did someone get torted—or maybe I think the word is injured? Is someone injured? I guess I could argue that this is sort of like a car accident or a dumpster fire. If someone was injured in a dumpster fire and they had to sue the dumpster maker for not putting fire extinguishers in the dumpster then that would be a tort right? It would. And I would get money.
But it’s also sort of criminalish. But it’s not exactly like a DUI or a burglary. Is it? Someone does appear to be drunk at the wheel. And someone (the American people) is alleging theft. So the answers to the questions is someone drunk at the wheel and did someone steal something are yes and yes. But there’s also some international intrigue happening. And some election law. And some constitutional law. Is the lawyer’s lawyer of someone who is accused of being a colluder subject to the tenets of the Hague Convention? What other kinds of law even are there? Family law? Is a family being wrecked here? Commercial law? Was money exchanged? I’m not certain what the fuck this is but I know there’s no such thing as a Lawyer’s Lawyer’s Lawyer Law.
Also, do I bill my client for asking his lawyer’s lawyer for some guidance on precisely who I represent? Or is it whom I represent? Have I just breached an ethical duty? (Tee hee hee. I said, “Ethical duty.” As IF!!)
I have no fucking clue what to do. And there is a dearth of law books to guide me. This apparently has never happened before. How do you even be a lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer? Is it unethical to call my client’s client and ask him what his or her expectations are? Would that work? Or can I call my client’s client’s client? What about my client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer? Or my client’s lawyer’s lawyer? Should I get a lawyer? Am I a client? What if the retainer I have to give my lawyer is bigger than the retainer I got from my client?
And is “colluder” even a word? We didn’t learn that word in law school. I apparently learned nothing in law school. But maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe I should specialize in collusion law? This might be the next big thing. Like lead paint. Or asbestos.