Do you suffer from mansplaining, manspreading, manterrupting, or other man-related portmanteaus?
Since the beginning of time, men have been socialized to dominate spaces — physically, intellectually, professionally, and deliberately. And while lately they’ve been forced to be hyper-conscious of their interactions with women, there’s still plenty of work to be done. But studies have shown that waiting for men to change can lead to chronic fatigue, distress, or even death.
So the world’s finest lady scientists — and the makers of MANBIEN® (a radical sleeping medication for women to peacefully escape male interaction for 24-48 hours) — are proud and annoyed to bring you ZIPITOR®. This revolutionary, horse-pill-sized oral treatment is intended to alter a man’s general feelings of entitlement and heighten awareness of that unbelievable, insensitive thing you probably just did right now without even realizing it.
If you’re thinking, “well, actually…” then let’s go over some facts:
- ZIPITOR® takes the pressure off the penis and reroutes that dick energy (big or small) to enhance mindfulness and prioritize accountability (versus being a liability).
- ZIPITOR® acts on the brain and nerves to quiet the effects of certain natural chemicals in the body that cause men to think women care about your opinion on all-female movie reboots.
- ZIPITOR® helps get your body in the kind of physical shape required to hop over the incredibly low bar set for men in the 21st century.
Before taking ZIPITOR®, tell your healthcare provider if you have ever:
- Explained something to a woman who was equally or more knowledgeable than you
- Spoken up loudly over a woman when you had something “more important” to say
- Let your large balls breathe while seated on a busy train or in a crowded public space
- Ruined a potentially decent interaction with a woman by being yourself
It’s time to ZIP IT UP, gentlemen. Your mouth. Your pants. And your long-standing history of perpetuating sexism by relentlessly trying to assert your dominance. At least for four (4) hours at a time.
In a placebo-controlled clinical study, ZIPITOR® improved aspects of cognitive function in men and lowered the anxiety of women around them. But four (4) hours was the maximum amount of time men could go without an indiscretion. However, during that valuable, fleeting period, men became more aware of their surroundings, physically tried to take up less space, and put more thought into their words. Some men even showed signs of advanced improvement by simply saying nothing at all.
Of the 100 men who took the placebo, 100% remained unaccountable for their actions.
ZIPITOR® may cause serious, incredible side effects, including:
- Sudden wokeness
- Improved vision
- Tenderness and sensitivity
- Swelling of the heart
- Unusual urges (to listen; to comprehend social cues; to be acutely conscientious)
- Testicular discomfort (a result of squeezing the legs together so tightly)
- Lethargy (being exceptionally considerate can take a toll on a man, which may lead to narcoleptic episodes)
- Lower libido (in some cases, men went the entire four hours without unzipping their pants)
- Choking (we made the pill incredibly large so that this was a possibility)
ZIPITOR® is not right for everyone.
Tell your doctor about other predisposed sexist acts you have committed before starting ZIPITOR®. Do not take more than one (1) pill in a 24-hour period. If you overdose on ZIPITOR®, the penis will fully retreat inside the body, indefinitely.
Do not operate heavy machinery or interact with a woman until you know how ZIPITOR® affects you. Tell your doctor right away if you have any of the following symptoms:
- Still thinking the rules don’t apply to you
- Still doing splits on a subway bench
- Still receiving muscle-pulling eyerolls from women
- Still putting your privilege (or penis) on display
If you start doing other male-related portmanteaus like lighting “mandles,” wearing “meggings,” showing “heavage,” using a “guybrator,” or having a “bromance,” this is perfectly normal and seen as a sign of recovery.
If you experience an introspection lasting longer than four (4) hours, please pat yourself on the back.