When we first opened the New York, New York Hotel & Casino way back in 1997, we set out to create the most authentic New York City-themed casino experience Las Vegas had ever seen. The city has changed a lot since then, and so in keeping with our original mission, we’re proud to present our newest renovations to more accurately reflect the changing face of The Big Apple.

Introducing the newly updated and completely gentrified New York, New York Hotel & Casino!

As you approach the hotel, you may notice that we’ve made some changes to our iconic model of the New York City skyline. That’s because we’ve added a series of nondescript, glass-and-steel luxury condominiums to pay homage to the influx of capital that has turned our city into a bland playground for the global elite! It’s like a little slice of the Big Apple right here on the Las Vegas Strip, and even more like a tax haven for Russian oligarchs.

Now that you’ve arrived, it’s time to park your car and let the fun begin. Unfortunately, we’ve auctioned off the land and air rights to our parking garage in keeping with the harsh realities of New York’s outrageously expensive real estate market! We don’t have onsite parking, but we do have two million square feet of premium commercial space just begging to be developed into an office tower or high-end shopping center. It’s fun for the whole family, particularly if your family happens to be well-versed in the Byzantine minutiae of New York City’s complex building codes and zoning laws.

Once you’ve dropped your car off at our overpriced off-site parking lot and taken a $50 Uber ride back to the hotel, you’ll probably want to drop your bags off in your room and relax before hitting the casino. Not so fast! You’ll need to reserve your room by participating in a frenzied, open house-style bidding war against hedge fund managers, real estate speculators, and several members of the extended Saudi royal family. We hope you brought cash!

On the off chance that you do manage to secure a room, you’ll quickly find that it has been gut rehabbed using only the cheapest contractors and shoddiest construction we could find. We wanted to create a truly authentic “New York” experience down to the smallest details, so every room features uneven flooring, unfinished fixtures, and paper thin drywall that lets you hear every word coming from the neighbors next door — not to mention their passionate and athletic marathon sex romps. Couple that with the sounds of blaring traffic and drunk college students dry heaving in the streets below your window and you’ll know why they call it “the city that never sleeps.”

Now that you’ve settled in, you might think it’s time to go hit the slots. Think again! We’ve ripped out all of our slot machines and turned our entire casino floor into a sprawling co-working space for tech startups and freelance web developers. Take a gamble by investing in a buggy new dating app, or roll the dice and risk it all on yet another “disruptor” in the already-crowded mobile payment space!

You’re probably hungry after all that angel investing. Luckily we have a number of new and exciting dining options, although the vast majority of them are Instagrammable desserts that require standing in line for six hours. If you’re looking for something more substantial we also have several wildly overpriced brunch spots, a Michelin-starred omakase experience that takes four days to complete, and a cheeseburger that costs $100,000.

Thank you so much for visiting the newly gentrified New York, New York Hotel & Casino. We hope that you enjoy your stay, and remember: If you need to take out cash, every single item in our hotel doubles as a Chase ATM.