Decorative String
of Paper Lanterns, $38

Soothe your post-election indignities by spending your now mandatory week of menstruation isolated in the warm glow of these hanging paper lanterns. Each crafted bauble is like a beacon of your rescinded rights as a woman, strung together by the dual-pronged cord of sexism and misogyny.

Woven Wool Throw Blankets
(Available in Red, White, or Blue), $43

It’s cold in the land of the disenfranchised. Wrap up your grievances in this cozy throw, use it as a sustainable alternative to burying your head in the sand, further hide the disgusting biology of your womanhood by using it to disguise your shame shed — the potential, like the gap between sexes, is unlimited.

Artisanal Pallet Wood
Magazine Holder, $52

Although your tiny, inferior woman brain is incapable of reading, no menstruation shed is complete without a set of fashion magazines through which to flip and look at pictures while thinking, “Boy, if only every woman in America had a thigh gap! Then we might be granted autonomy over our own reproductive rights and equal pay!”

Candles, $19

Tears. The ink of freshly printed passports. The dirt dislodged from Susan B. Anthony rolling over in her grave. Spray tan. Breathe in the delicate blend of democratic smells, guaranteed to mask the coppery olfactory offense that is your nasty, womanly affliction.