Keep the applause going for our host tonight. That guy has some great jokes. In fact, his jokes are so good they make me want to pull an “1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh” and pay my cronies to sneak into his room at night and steal them, the same way that Marsh paid people to steal fossils from his rival Edward Cope.

Okay, I can tell by your reaction that not everybody liked that joke. That’s all right. I didn’t get into comedy to make audiences comfortable. I’m here to confront dark truths and explore what makes us human. I believe that no topic is off limits in comedy, including 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh.

So many comics are afraid to talk about 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh. They try to keep things safe by talking about relationships or dumb song lyrics or complicated political topics. But that’s taking the easy way out. As long as I’m telling the truth, I don’t care if I bomb harder than when 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh used dynamite to sabotage the dig site of his rival Edward Cope.

I can already hear all the people complaining about me on “1880s paleontology TikTok,” saying that some topics should be “off limits” or “not acceptable to joke about,” but there’s a reason that they’re hiding behind their smartphones and I’m onstage in public, telling jokes about 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh.

I’m sure they’re trying to dig up all kinds of dirt on me, but I’m going to make the job easy for them and leave everything on the surface, unlike when 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh carefully hid any of the fossils he dug up from his rival Edward Cope.

It’s the job of a comedian to make fun of everybody, and last time I checked, everybody includes 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh. I just think it’s weird how, with all this discussion of “punching up” and “punching down,” nobody thought to “punch the reputation of 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh.” I honestly feel like that fact alone says it all.

Nobody’s saying the guy didn’t do important work. He did discover a bunch of new species and came up with some of the world’s most famous dinosaur names, like the allosaurus and triceratops. And I’m not just saying that because he bribed me the way he bribed rock quarry owners to send him fossils instead of his rival Edward Cope.

I can see some of you are walking out. Whatever. This is called comedy! You used to be able to tell jokes like this all the time, and nobody ever complained. In fact, I have scoured the internet, and I could not find a single person offended by jokes about 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh until I started telling them. I’m willing to bet that just five years ago, no one in here had even heard of 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh, but now everyone is suddenly offended when I start making fun of him.

It’s just another sign of how society is so out of whack, like our heads are screwed on wrong, not unlike when 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh mistakenly put the head of a brachiosaurus on the body of a brontosaurus.

But just to prove that I’m an equal opportunity offender, I also make fun of 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh’s rival Edward Cope. Nothing is sacred here, not even the reputation of Edward Cope, the greatest discoverer of prehistoric life this country has ever known. I’m not afraid to make fun of how he was unfairly bullied by 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh after making the simple mistake of putting a plesiosaur’s head where its rear end should be. After all, maybe he was just making it do an impression of 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh.

And I am very aware of the consequences of speaking out like this. You don’t even know how many bookers I’ve spoken to who say that they refuse to book me because “all of the jokes you do are about 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh.” You have to wonder what they’re so afraid of.

I wanted to do stand-up because of the greats, like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, and Rip Taylor. And there is no doubt in my mind that if they were alive today, they would have a searing and intelligent take on 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh that no one would see coming, and they would also agree with everything I say.

Looks like they’re giving me the light. That was a fast fifteen minutes. Seems like it went by faster than the time it took 1880s paleontologist Othniel Marsh to fraudulently sign his name to his own students’ papers. Anyway, thanks for coming out to my album recording tonight.