Mom, Dad, thank you for responding to my call for a family meeting. Yeah, so, you know how I said I’ve been spending a lot of late nights preaching and converting and, like performing miracles and that sort of thing? Yeah? I know, the carpentry has been a little lax; my hand planes haven’t been sharpened in, like, weeks. I know. So that’s just it. The thing is, I actually instead took this improv class, like, I don’t know, maybe a few months ago? And I sorta kinda fell in love with it. I mean I’m not like a professional or anything (yet), but this whole comedy thing just feels, I don’t know, right.
Like, you spend your whole life trying to be like this serious writer/messiah type, and what are you even doing? Are you doing anything whatsoever to improve anyone’s life? No. You’re pushing a pile of papyrus into a black hole. That’s what it feels like anyway, especially if it’s an online submission system. Like anybody is reading that stuff. Sure, preach here and there, spread the gospel etc., but you know in a few thousand years you’re just gonna end up the butt of everyone’s jokes anyway. So why not take that joke and just own it? I don’t know, does this sound crazy? Are you mad? You seem mad. Yes. Yes, mother. I understand it can take centuries to establish a world religion. No, I am not being lazy. Yes, I know I live under your roof, in your basement specifically. Just hear me out, will you? Please?
So there are a couple bits I’ve been working on that I thought I might try out on you guys, would that be OK? No? Hear me out, pretty please? There’s this bit where I talk about taking a girl back to my place, see? And we’re all, like, getting hot and heavy, and she starts panting and whatnot, and she says “Oh God, oh God.” And I’m like, honey I can’t perform when you talk about my father! Get it? Because God is my father. That’s why it’s funny. Because I am literally the son of God, and also God too, which kind of undermines the joke when you really think about it, but don’t think about that too much. No? Not funny? You seem mad. I mean Joe/Dad, no offense, but you’re not my real father, and the joke kind of hinges on that fact. Is that offensive? Is it blasphemy if I’m the one saying it? We can talk about that later.
Anyway I have some other great bits too, like this one about Sky Mall. Isn’t that thing just a riot? The bit is about buying these shoes from Sky Mall that allow you to walk on water, and I’m all like, I’m not buyin’ that! Because I can already walk on water because I am Jesus. That’s why it’s funny. No? Guys, you seem, like, really mad. I mean, walking on water is really cool, so I would probably buy a pair of those sweet shoes even if I weren’t Jesus. That would be funny too, but in a different way I think. No? Israeli carpenter buys interesting item from Sky Mall. Very funny premise if you ask me.
Moving on. I can tell you’re mad. I know what you’re thinking. You’re like, son, this will not result in a successful world religion. But guys, hear me out. Have you heard of Louis C.K.? The guy is an icon. And he really seems to get people. You know? I mean, I really think I have what it takes, and if I could connect with people the way he does? Forget it. End of story. Christ sells out Madison Square Garden. Did you ever think you would hear that sentence? Nuh-uh. Guys. The Garden. I’m serious about this. Comedy. I know I have a long way to go, but just imagine the possibilities if I could tap that kind of, I don’t know, like, resonance with people. Plus it would be super fun for me. Fun for everyone. Isn’t that what religion should be about? People enjoying life together? Guys, you look, like, so mad right now.
Anyway I have a few other bits that I could sure use a test audience for, like this one about divining rods. I’m like, “I’ll show you my divining rod.” But then I’m like, “No, you’re gross, not that kind of rod.” Then I pull out this interesting twig I found the other day while I was wandering through the desert and I use it to locate a water source. No? Stupid joke? Props a bad idea? OK. Moving on.