July 3, 1 BC
Dear Joseph of Nazareth,
Your booking is confirmed for HILTON GARDEN INN BETHLEHEM.
Hotels.com confirmation number: 483949011
Check-in: 25 December 1 BC
Check-out: 26 December 1 BC
Your Stay: One night, two adults, one child
Amount to pay: Five Tyrian shekels
— Hotels.com
December 23, 1 BC
Dear Joseph,
Unfortunately, due to a system error, we have been informed your stay at Hilton Garden Inn Bethlehem is overbooked. We will automatically cancel your reservation at no charge to you.
Apologies for any inconvenience caused.
Kind regards,
Sarah
December 23, 1 BC
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for getting in touch. So to be clear, are you telling me there’s no room at the Hilton Garden Inn?
Thanks,
Joe
December 23, 1 BC
Dear Joseph,
Unfortunately, that is indeed the case. We’ve been unable to secure a room at this hotel for the dates you requested. If there’s anything further we can do, please don’t hesitate to call.
Kind regards,
Sarah
December 23, 1 BC
Hi Sarah,
It’s so great of you to inform us our stay has been canceled two days before check-in. Do you want to tell my heavily pregnant wife she’ll be giving birth in the street, or shall I?
I’ll assume you’ll be finding us a new hotel or, as a bare minimum, refunding our donkey expenses.
— Joe
December 24, 1 BC
Dear Joseph,
We understand your frustration, but unfortunately, as already stated, we’ve been unable to source accommodation in Bethlehem for December 25. As I’m sure you’re aware, December is always a very busy time of year with the run-up to—actually, wait, December isn’t usually busy at all.
Nevertheless, Hotels.com is not responsible for any donkey-related complications you may have encountered. I’d advise you to contact your local ass provider in order to resolve this matter.
Please let us know if we can be of any further assistance.
Kind regards,
Sarah
December 24, 1 BC
Hi Sarah,
I’m trying to refrain from being rude here, but if I see the word “unfortunately” again, I’m going to scream. We booked this room over six months ago. It’s an absolute disgrace!
What are we supposed to do now? I’m almost at breaking point. This stupid star has been following us all week, we’re still half a day’s ride from Bethlehem, and my wife’s having these crazy cravings. I have no idea where I’m meant to find both seedless grapes and roast potatoes in the middle of the desert.
I’d appreciate it if you could pass me on to your manager to discuss this issue further.
— Joe
December 24, 1 BC
Mr. Joseph of Nazareth,
I hope this email finds you well.
I’ve been informed of the situation regarding your accommodation cancellation in Bethlehem. As my colleague Sarah has previously outlined, there’s nothing Hotels.com can do to resolve this situation.
We’d be happy to offer you a free reward night for the New Year or, alternatively, 10% off site-wide on accommodation in the Kingdom of Judah.
Let me know if you find this suitable.
All the best,
Margaret Kaminsky
December 25, 1 BC
Hi Margaret,
You’ve gotta be kidding me. What use does our family have for a free reward night next year? It’s not like my wife can clench her uterus and wait until April.
As I type this, we’re being followed by three strange men trying to sell us gold, frankincense, and myrrh—whatever that is. On top of that, Mary’s contractions have started, and she’s chosen tonight of all nights to tell me the kid isn’t mine.
So, no, Margaret, your email has not found me well. Before we left Nazareth, people warned us King Herod wants to murder our child. But make no mistake, you are still by far the least helpful person we’ve encountered this week.
I think we can agree I’d find it “suitable” if you’d cut the crap and find me any barn, basement, or brothel that’ll take us.
I look forward to you doing your job,
— Joe
December 25, 1 BC
Dear Joseph of Nazareth,
Your booking is confirmed for STABLE.
Hotels.com confirmation number: 573920153
Check-in: December 25, 1 BC
Check-out: December 26, 1 BC
Your Stay: One night, two adults, one child, various goats
Amount to pay: Reward night used
— Hotels.com