BRUTUS: Hey everyone, thanks for coming in on such short notice. Tomorrow’s the big day and I just want to make sure we’re all aligned on Q1’s assassination goals.
CASSIUS: Brutus, relax. The Board already approved our proposal for murder.
BRUTUS: I know, it’s just that Rome’s shareholders really want us to achieve positive homicide flow.
CASSIUS: Well, first things first — did our new knives get shipped out yet by Amazon?
BRUTUS: Yeah, I got a notification this morning from FedEx. I notified Jerry from Legal to sign for it.
CASCA: Apologies if this has already been brought up, but will we all get a chance to stab Caesar? I first need approval from HR.
BRUTUS: Great question! Decimus, care to add some color from Marketing?
(Decimus plugs in his laptop and launches PowerPoint.)
DECIMUS: We polled several Senators from Engineering and they all concluded that the more Senators that stab Caesar, the better. Unpacking this even more, a recent survey indicates that bloodlust performs well in the 18 to 35 demographic.
BRUTUS: You sure? I mean, couldn’t just one person, like, stab him? Our Strategic Planning and Animal Sacrifice Department just hired a new intern. Assassination could be his intern project.
DECIMUS: Absolutely positive. We plugged hundreds of variables into Excel and the equation always churned out a multiple wound-inflicted assassination. Plus, we even sacrificed Rome’s three most opinionated parrots just to dot our i’s and cross our t’s.
CASSIUS: Great! Now, can we finally talk about resourcing? I actually have a scheduling conflict tomorrow.
CASCA: Cassius, really? We blocked off March 15th months ago on everyone’s Google Calendar.
CASSIUS: Sorry, I’m not on the apps. I’m trying this new thing called mindfulness.
DECIMUS: You’re doing that, too? I just got into Headspace. There’s this guy named Andy Puddicombe who has the most angelic voic—
BRUTUS: Everyone, please focus. Cassius, any chance you can push your meeting out?
CASSIUS: Sure, I guess I can always auction off my gladiators next week on eBay.
BRUTUS: Great! Now, back to the agenda. Just confirming that you’ve all completed the webinar, A Brief Introduction to Assassinating Self-Declared Dictators?
BRUTUS: Guys. This was our Q4 meeting’s only action item.
CASSIUS: Look, how hard can it be? Stabbing someone isn’t exactly aqueduct science.
CASCA: Agreed. It’s not like we need to stab Caesar, like, forever. Just one poke and voilá!
(Casca makes a chef’s kiss sound.)
BRUTUS (sighs): Fine. Just don’t forget that our Plebeian shareholders expect a successful 44 B.C. fiscal year. On a separate note, did everyone have their togas dry-cleaned? Remember that the attire for tomorrow’s “team-building” exercise is business casual.
CASSIUS: Um, I lost my claim ticket.
DECIMUS: You can borrow my spare. The only catch is that it’s covered in sequins.
(Everyone rolls their eyes.)
DECIMUS: Look, guys, it was for a show I did with my improv troupe.
BRUTUS: Well, we still need to figure out how we’ll get Caesar to attend. Marketing thinks we should create a Facebook event called “The Ides of March.” Thoughts?
DECIMUS: Love it!
CASCA: What if we call it Murder Day?
BRUTUS: It sort of clashes with our brand. But good feedback!
CASSIUS: How about Worldwide Assassination Conference: Machine Learning in a World of Big Murder Data?
(Caesar suddenly walks into the room.)
CAESAR: Hey guys! I was just passing through to meet up with Marc Antony for Zumba. What’re you all up to?
BRUTUS: Um, you know, just discussing a potential murder and acquisition of the Gauls.
(Caesar analyzes the room.)
CAESAR: Wait. (pauses) Is this what I think it is? (pauses again) Oh. My. Gods.
(The Senators nervously look around.)
CAESAR: Are you guys all talking about improv?
BRUTUS: Yes, ha-ha-ha! I’m actually performing tonight!
CAESAR (gleefully): You too, Brutus?