Good day, slaves to technology. Behold, the glorious analogue workstation I will be using during this meeting. That’s right, the ‘workstation’ I speak of is nothing more than this blue pen and notebook!

Please remain calm, colleagues. I know, I am a maverick the likes of which have never graced meeting room 3C. But alas, I cannot take any questions until after this meeting.

Or should I say, “after this episode of Black Mirror.” For that is what I see gathered before me in this pod — the cast of a tragic dystopian satire, faces lit by ominous blue light. The only blue light I will be seeing during this meeting is the blue ruled lines on this recycled paper. Indeed, since switching to the notebook (retail price $29.99) my circadian rhythms feel like a Japanese bullet train, for they are that regular and efficient.

Rachel, will you be taking minutes during this meeting? OK, good.

Just quickly everyone, did you see how much eye contact I had with Rachel during that request? I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time we all spend a little more time looking into the windows of the soul, and a little less time looking into the tabs of HuffPo.

Friends, you may think that quote sounds wise beyond my years, plagiarized from a greater thinker. But you would be mistaken, for I brainstormed it on the trip in, right here in my pocket notebook (retail price $19.99).

Oh, look at you, Jackson, pretending that you’re paying attention in this meeting when I know behind that screen you’re watching videos of building demolitions gone wrong. And you, Frankie, googling the symptoms of shingles. Notice how my workflow is not disrupted. Rather, it is me that is doing the disrupting. Disrupting the business models of Mark Zuckerberg, and Evan Spiegel, and whoever invented Pinterest!

Yes, just as Homer penned his Iliad by hand, so shall I pen this meeting’s action points using my hand — a device created by the ultimate UX designer, God.

You too can have this life, iZombies. Lo, salvation lay just a few blocks from here at Staples. Or you can keep mindlessly zooming down the information superhighway, until a few years from now you have to ask Siri what your own name is. The choice, Homo Screeniens, is yours.

Now, with that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

Can I look over someone’s shoulder at the Google Doc we’ll be discussing?