So it’s like I was sayin’, those Nahwegians, back like 1000 ye’ahs ago, they just totally fuckin’ dominated Dublin. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like they didn’t evah have any fuckin’ setbacks’ah their own ah anything, but fah the most paht they just pretty much ran things howevah which way they wanted n’ so one’ah the things that ended up happenin’ was that they all intahmarried with the Irish locals till eventually there were all these mixed Gaelic Nahwegian bastahds runnin’ ‘round all ovah town. Now tah make mattahs even mohr intuhrestin’ is all the guys back in Nahway at this time, they’re stahtin’ tah all go ovah tah Iceland now instead’ah tah Ireland, n’ so even with all the intahmarryin’, the Gaelic Nahwegians ahr gettin’ spread way too thin fah their own comfaht n’ all the Irish patriots ahr seein’ this n’ so they’re gettin’ all motivated n’ so they’re fohmin’ militias n’ gettin’ tahgethah fah tea pahties n’ shit like that till ye’ah 1014 when a couple’ah Irish patriots run intah each othah in some dive bah off’ah Comm Av n’ decide tah put tahgethah a fuckin’ classic rock band.
So the one guy, his name’s Mael Seachlainn Mor n’ he’s a pretty big shit from somewhere ovah in the middle’ah Ireland, but the othah guy is this Brian Boru, yah know, like the fuckin’ vodka, n’ he’s from way the fuck out there in County Clare. So now these two guys, they hit it off bettah n’ fuckin’ Bird n’ McHale n’ befohr yah even know it they’re totally fuckin’ plastuh’d n’ one of ‘em stahts tellin’ the othah, “Yah know, those fuckin’ Gaelic Nahwegian sonsabitches, they really fuckin’ piss me off. They got us by the fuckin’ balls, yah know. I mean, I can’t even take a piss anymohr without askin’ one’ah these goddamned Nahwegian retahds fah his royal fuckin’ pahmission tah shake my thing n’ then zip up aftahwahds fah Christ’s sake.” N’ so then he says somethin’ about the two’ah ‘em joinin’ up n’ the othah guy’s so fuckin’ hammahed that he ain’t even got no idea what the fuck this guy’s goin’ on about so he’s just like, “Yeah, whatevah, yah know, I’m just tryin’ not tah close my eyes ‘cause I don’t wannah black out n’ fall sleep, but fuck, yah know, I don’t wannah miss a thing.”
So then these two guys n’ their patriot buddies all come tahgethah n’ turns out they got some real great chemistry but sometimes squabbles break out ovah things like whose wife threw the glass’ah milk when she shouldn’t’ah n’ who gets tah be the High King’ah Ireland n’ shit like that, n’ Brian, he’s always makin’ sure he’s landin’ on top n’ sometimes this gets Mael Seachlainn tah grudge him but bein’ as he’s not the charahsmatic front man he genahrally puts up with it at least mostah the time.
Now this othah Irish guy, Maelmordha, he gets wind’ah this n’ he gets fuckin’ pissed that he wasn’t invited tah be in the patriot’s band n’ so he decides tah just fahget his own foolish pride n’ he goes ovah tah the othah side n’ meets up with Sigtrygg Silkbeard who’s the guy in chahge ovah in Dublin at this time. So this Sigtrygg guy, he’s been feelin’ like a total skid lately ‘cause the Gaelic Nahwegians just lost an impahtant playoff series tah those cocksuckahs ovah in York n’ so Maelmordha goes up tah him n’ he says, “So I heard yah been feelin’ kindah low on accoun’ah the dues yah been payin’? But yah fuckin’ know what? Sometimes the fu’tuh comes much tah fuckin’ slow n’ now I can see you’re the kindah guy who really wants tah run shit but yah just keep on stayin’ he’ah n’ doin’ nothin’ since yah can’t decide which way tah fuckin’ go. Now I totally undahstand ‘bout indecision, I really fuckin’ do, but thing is with me, I don’t give a shit ‘bout gettin’ left behind. All these othah pricks out there, they’re all busy livin’ in competition, but all I cahr about is my own fuckin’ peace’ah mind.” N’ so he goes on tah suggest that they take a look ahead n’ fohm their own rock n’ roll band n’ Sigtrygg thinks this a wicked pissah idear n’ so then they go n’ get Sigurd the Stout from Orkney n’ this othah guy Brodir from the Isle’ah Man tah take cahr’ah the bass n’ the drums.
Now things ahr goin’ pretty good fah Brian n’ Mael Seachlainn’s band n’ so they decide they’re gonnah hit the rocky tour road, n’ since they’re a bunch’ah Irish musician guys they’re fiddlin’ as they go n’ they’re singin’ fah the laugh n’ they’re singin’ fah the tears, n’ they’re singin’ even if it’s just fah today ‘cause tahmahrrah they know the good lohrd may just go n’ fuckin’ take ‘em away. N’ people ahr comin’ outtah their homes tah see these guys live n’ befohr yah know it they got chicks n’ high school guys numbah’in in the fuckin’ thousands followin’ ‘em ’round n’ so now yah got this huge unruly Irish mob walkin’ this way all the ways tah Dublin.
So Brian n’ Mael Seachlainn’s band n’ their groupies n’ fans finally get tah the city n’ they’re headin’ down the fuckin’ freedom trail till they get tah the main stage at Clontarf in front’ah the old state house where Sigtrygg n’ Maelmordha’s band just happens tah be settin’ up fah a gig’ah their own, n’ as soon as they see these Irish guys they get mohr ‘en a feelin’ that they ahrn’t there fah the same ole song n’ dance, so they skip the salutations entiyahly n’ just fuckin’ open fi’ah, but they don’t just massahcre the first 5 guys n’ then leave it tah some crazy coppahsmith tah make some famous engravin’ of fah fuckin’ postehuhty’s sake. Nah, they keep on goin’ at it n’ so then the Irish staht fi’ah’en back n’ befohr yah know it both sides ahr just goin’ completely fuckin’ nuts n’ everyone’s fuckin’ shreddin’ with their axes like fuckin’ maniacs n’ the pyrotechnics ahr goin’ off like it’s the fuckin’ 4th’ah July n’ the killin’ don’t stop till the death count makes the goddamned Cocoanut Grove fi’ah from back in ‘42 look like a fuckin’ cause fah celebration.
So, as yah can pretty much figyah, this is pretty fuckin’ traumatizin’ fah both bands, ‘cause the Irish lose like 4000 guys, but the Gaelic Nahwegians, they lose like fuckin’ 7000 guys, includin’ Maelmordha n’ Sigurd the Stout. So natuhrally, the Gaelic Nahwegians, they ahren’t feelin’ too satisfied ‘bout this n’ they’re even gettin’ booed off stage by the audience at this point ‘cause they decided they liked the patriots’ gig bettah, n’ so the Gaelic Nahwegians staht tah flee n’ the Irish ahr stahtin’ tah relax, n’ so Brian Boru goes ovah tah the Common n’ he’s sittin’ there on the grass beneath some tree gettin’ high, singin’ ‘bout his sweet emotion or some shit when fuckin’ Brodir n’ a couple’ah othah Gaelic Nahwegian stragglahs who’d been hidin’ out in some skeevy theathah ovah in the combat zone pop outtah nowhere n’ fuckin’ murdah the guy right on the spot, but befohr they can get away ‘emselves this completely fuckin’ insane Irish roadie guy named Wolf the Quarrelsome shows up n’ fuckin’ rips out their goddamned entrails.
Now turns out Sigtrygg’s a biggah fuckin’ losah ‘en anyone evah even thought he was ’cause he’s been hidin’ his ass out ovah in the state house this entiyah time, n’ so he’s still alive but so’s Mael Seachlainn even though he was one’ah the guys up on stage killin’. So Mael Seachlainn goes ovah tah the state house n’ he sees Sigtrygg hidin’ up there like a real cowahd so he shouts up tah this twofaced prick, “Dude, yah look like a fuckin’ lady, hidin’ up there with yah lace doilies n’ yah fine china n’ shit. I’d come up there n’ take yah on myself but bein’ as I’m now the High King’ah Ireland I got more pressin’ business tah attend tah. There’s all these goddamned petty Irish kings actin’ like pricks all ovah the country, n’ since I gottah deal with ‘em now, I’ll let yah stay up there fah the time bein’ so long as yah don’t do anything retahded. Yah got that, yah fuckin’ creep? If I even so much as he’ah you’re rallyin’ troops or sendin’ messages to Nahway or some shit, I’ll be ovah these walls fastah ‘en a fuckin’ convict on the run outtah Walpole n’ I’ll fuckin’ teahr yah tah fuckin’ pieces.”
N’ then he got back in the saddle again n’ rode off tah brawl with the petty kings’ah Ireland, n’ Dublin’s Nahwegian cuhrse was pretty much finally revuhrsed fah good.