Now I don’t know if yah remembah ah not n’ I don’t even really fuckin’ cahr one way ah the othah if yah do ah if yah don’t, but while ago I was talkin’ ‘bout this guy King Harald’ah Nahway ‘cause he was the guy who back in the late 800s was sailin’ ‘round allovah the fuckin’ country pickin’ fights n’ beatin’ the shit outtah whoevah he so fuckin’ pleased. But these were mostly all just minah brahwls till in 872 when he n’ his buddies went n’ ran intah a huge fuckin’ crowd’ah pissed Nahwegians at Hrafrsfjord n’ he fuckin’ went aftah ‘em with such an insane fuckin’ rage that it made O’Reilly n’ the big bad Bruins’ fight with the fans in the stands’ah Madison Square Gahdens look like a tidy fuckin’ affaihr.

So soon as that fight ends, the losin’ Nahwegians ahr fleein’ from Harald ‘cross Nohrth Sea n’ asides from settlin’ Iceland, they’re alsah takin’ ovah lahge pahts’ah land allovah the British Isles. So now these guys ahr sittin’ pretty there in their new homes fah from Nahway n’ they’re stahtin’ tah think tah ‘emselves, "Yah know what, Harald’s a fuckin’ prick. First he chases us off’ah our fahrms n’ now he’s raisin’ taxes on our friends n’ family that ahr still ovah there so fuckin’ high it’d even make John Kerry blush. So what the fuck we still sittin’ ‘round here fah? We got boats n’ we got shit-tons’ah weapons, let’s go fuckin’ raid the place."

So now these guys ahr sailin’ from their defensive zone ‘cross the whole length’ah the watah n’ scohrin’ goals on Nahway’s end just like Bobby Orr till finally Harald decides tah retaliate n’ stahts hackin’ at their goalie which is somethin’ yah just don’t fuckin’ do but he gets away with it n’ ends up winnin’ the round n’ settin’ up his own guys tah be in chahge’ah the vahrious Nahrse pahts’ah Scotland n’ the islands n’ one’ah these guys he leaves in chahge is this guy Rognvald of Møre.

Now, most impohrtant thing ‘bout this Rognvald guy’s that he’s got this kid named Rollo n’ this kid is fuckin’ huge. I mean, this kid’s so fuckin’ big he makes Chara look like a goddamned midget. They say he couldn’t even ride a fuckin’ horse ‘cause his legs would dangle down tah the ground n’ get dragged so he just had to go walkin’ ’round everywhere instead.

But anyhow though, Rollo, he was a bit’ah a rebel rousah n’ he, yah know, one day he just made it pretty fuckin’ cleahr that he could give one damn ‘bout the old allegiance n’ so he went n’ he took the fight tah Nahway himself. So ah’couhrse Harald’s goin’, “What the fuck Rognvald? I give yah fuckin’ Ohrkney n’ Shetland n’ yah can’t even control yah own fuckin’ kid? I don’t really give a shit what he thinks ‘bout me ah my home, but neithah’ah yah’d be who yah ahr now if it weren’t fah me n’ I think that’s desehrvin’ah a little respect, yah know? So I ain’t gonnah kill the kid, but he ain’t welcome here anymohr eithah n’ he bettah get the fuck out befohr I change my mind.”

So wohrd’ah this outlawry gets back tah Rollo n’ his heahrt skips a beat ‘cause he sure as fuck don’t wannah take on Harald himself, so he gets the fuck outtah Nahway n’ he spends some time in Scotland n’ France, buildin’ himself up a whole new team n’ he takes the guys tah Paris n’ they help this othah guy Sigfred lay siege tah it in 885. That whole ohrdeal goes pretty well fah him n’ so he stays on in Frankie till finally he decides tah invade Nahmandy, even though it wasn’t even called Nahmandy back then.

Now, thing ‘bout Rollo’s invasion was it wasn’t some honahrable hahrrific bloodbath intended fah the puhrpose’ah gettin’ some seriously deranged bastahds tah step the fuck down. Nah, it was mohr ‘bout greed, n’ it wasn’t even all that bloody by medieval standahds ‘cause what Rollo did was he took his guys tah Rouen n’ he had ‘em dig some holes in the ground between the city n’ the rivah n’ then he had ‘em covah ’em up so that then when they attacked, they alsah pretended tah give up n’ run away back tah their boats n’ all the French guys followed n’ fell intah ‘em n’ so Rollo just coasted right on intah town without even really havin’ tah take it by stohrm ah anything.

So now Rollo’s takin’ it easy up there in Rouen n’ from there he’s attackin’ othah pahts’ah Frankie n’ kindah like Tim Thomas he’s just gettin’ bettah with age, but yah know, it can’t last fahevah n’ so finally he gets his ass handed tah him in Paris in 911 but he don’t back down. Instead he goes n’ he lays siege tah this othah town called Chartres instead. N’ there ain’t really anything much tah say ‘bout this match ’xcept that Frankie calls in the reinfohrcements n’ they try tah fuckin’ dominate Rollo but they don’t really. It’s all kindah fucked up actually.

See, these Frankie guys, yeah they win, no one’s doubtin’ that, but it’s not like Rollo suffah’d a real majah upset like losin’ four games straight aftah bein’ up by 3 in the eastahn confehruhnce semifinals last year. He’s still a serious fohrce tah be reckoned with n’ so what the Frankies do is they fuckin’ offah him all’ah Nahmandy so long as he’s willin’ tah prahtect Frankie from othah Nahseman raidahs, n’ this is actually how Nahmandy gets named Nahmandy like we call it tahday since Rollo n’ all his guys, yah know, they were fuckin’ Nahsemen ’emselves.

But then tah make the payoff even sweetah ‘en Bourque finally winnin’ the cup n’ bringin’ it back tah hoist in Boston, the fuckin’ king’ah Frankie alsah ends up throwin’ his own daughtah intah the bahgain so as tah have tah marry Rollo as paht’ah the deal. N’ yah probably wouldn’t know it but it was these two who ended up bein’ the great great great grandpahrents’ah that Nahman bastahd William who then went n’ fuckin’ conqueh’d England in 1066.

But fuckin’ ’nough’ah that fah now. Let’s go B’s.