Next Friday, The Committee for Public Harrumphing will hold a hearing on the topic of “What’s Going On and Who’s To Blame?” The hearing will begin at 9 a.m. The public is invited to attend.
Witnesses scheduled to testify include:
• A policy expert who in all his 30 years has never seen anything like this
• A partisan critic whose rehearsed zingers lack comic timing
• Everyday citizens succeeding against the odds
• Oil and/or bank executives
• A government official taking one for the team
All witnesses will be categorically lauded or derided. All testimony will confirm Committee Members’ biases. When testimony does not confirm Committee Members’ biases, it will confirm Committee Members’ opinions of the witness. Those with technical expertise will leave with the suspicion Members did not read any of the prepared reports, despite claims to the contrary. Moments of confusion on the part of the Chairman will be stricken from the record. Also to be stricken from the record: any references to “The Googles”, “Twitters”, Pan Am, rotary phones, or the Ritz Brothers.
Glasses of water provided to witnesses will be for display purposes only.
Prepared remarks by witnesses should begin with a history of the world and include scant reference to the reason they are appearing before the Committee. Statements to be read into the public record may be written in screenplay format.
Proceedings will come to a standstill when any member of the Committee uses a chart, graph or other prop. Members will be afforded extra time at the discretion of the Chairman to translate any grammatically incorrect text into plain English. This hearing will be “math optional.”
Protesters are asked to arrive early as seats are first come, first serve. Wigs, signs and musical instruments must fit under assigned seats. Protesters who plan on singing may arrange with the Committee Secretary to test the hearing room’s acoustics a day in advance. Groups must check in with the sergeant-at-arms the day of the meeting. Groups protesting the same witness must keep their screams to under one minute, including the time it takes to be escorted from the hearing. Protesters are asked not to interrupt when Committee Members are issuing hollow threats involving subpoenas.
Lunch will be taken a minimum half hour earlier than scheduled. Those with business before the Committee who do not wish to appear on camera may suggest a restaurant. Committee Members for whom it won’t look awkward to skip the rest of the meeting will reconvene in a bar T.B.D. Witnesses who testify after lunch should not expect to make the evening news.
Media organizations are asked to cover the hearing as if legislation is forthcoming.