I have completed 300 hours of community service.

I have eaten Alpo out of the can.

I have slept with my second cousin. Twice.

I have photocopied my penis and sent it to my buddy’s mom.

I have had a recurring role on the TV show Cops.

I have become a Girls Gone Wild Gold Member.

I have drunk the recommended eight glasses of water in a day. Bong water.

I have dated a girl for her brains. Her big, lactating brains.