July 1897
“Cute Country Castle”
Borgo Pass, Transylvania

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this place. The listing said “easily accessible by public transit,” but I only got there after being stuffed into a haunted stagecoach by a terrified mob of Carpathian peasants. My host, Count Dracula, met me when I arrived, and honestly, it was a little uncomfortable. He’s a strange guy (I cut myself shaving and he FREAKED OUT). The weirdest part, though, is that even though I only booked the place for three nights, the Count didn’t let me check out for A MONTH. WTF!!! Eventually, I just left without saying anything (super awkward but whatever). Two stars instead of one because the Count didn’t charge me for the extra days and provided free breakfast, but tbh if you’re looking for a place in Transylvania, you should probably just stay at the Holiday Inn in Bistritz instead.

— Jonathan Harker, London

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May 1908
“A Room With A View”
Pension Bertolini, Florence

FALSE ADVERTISING!!! I mean, it’s right there in the name of the listing: “a room with a view.” So that’s what you would expect, RIGHT??? Except instead of a nice view of the River Arno (which is totally what you see in the photos), my cousin Lucy and I were given a room with a view of some filthy alley. Such a ripoff!!! Not to mention that some of the other guests were really annoying. If you meet a weird guy named George – avoid him! He kissed my cousin!!! Luckily, we’re back in England now where I can confidently assume that Lucy and I will never see him again.

— Charlotte Bartlett, Tunbridge Wells

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December 1845
“The Spouter-Inn”
New Bedford, Massachusetts

Loved this place! Peter Coffin is a great host! Not gonna lie, we didn’t get off to the best start – no solo rooms so I had to share with a stranger. Normally that would be a total deal-breaker, but I wound up staying with the NICEST GUY! His name is Queequeg, he’s got amazing tattoos, and a head shaped just like George Washington’s (lol!). Anyway, long story short, Q and I are basically married now, and we’re going on a loooooooong whaling voyage together – all thanks to Peter Coffin and his Inn! Five stars! (btw Peter knows lots of great local spots – check out Hosea Hussey’s chowder house, it’s the best!)

— Ishmael, Manhattan

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October 1840
“Snug, Safe Apartment”
Rue Morgue, Paris

Listing was pretty accurate except for one small thing: THE GIANT GODDAMN ORANGUTAN WHO COMES IN THE WINDOW AT NIGHT AND MURDERS ALL THE GUESTS WHO CAN’T HIDE UNDER THE BED IN TIME. Great location, though.

Madame L’Espanaye, Paris

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February 1808
“Glamorous Governess Quarters”
Thornfield Hall, Yorkshire

CREEP ALERT! The host, Mr. Rochester, wasn’t there when I checked in, but when he did show up, he acted CREEPY AF. Staring at me, trying to make me jealous (stalker much?). I started to change my mind about him but then he was like, “Oh, by the way, I’m married and I keep my wife LOCKED IN THE ATTIC.” And I was like, “Uh, okay, I think I’m going to check-out early” and I had to go stay at my cousin’s house instead. Srsly do not stay here, Mr. R is the WORST!!!

— Jane Eyre, Marsh End

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September 1845
“Rustic Retreat”
Walden Pond, Massachusetts

Nice place. A cabin in the woods, not too far from town. The host, Henry, is a nice guy, but also kind of extra. He didn’t have any chairs so he told me to sit on a pumpkin. I tried to get him to leave but he stayed the whole time and he DID. NOT. STOP. TALKING. How much he paid for nails, why he never buys new clothes, how to eat a raw woodchuck. He just kept going. He was halfway through explaining how the local pond is mixed with water from the Ganges (dude…), when I decided to just gtfo. Henry offered me a woodchuck tartare for the road but I said nah (lol). I’d stay again but only if Henry was out of town for a few days checking on his woodchuck traps or writing a letter to a pinecone or whatever.

— Anonymous Woodchopper, Canada

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March 1977
“Winter Wonderland”
Overlook Hotel, Colorado

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Bathroom door is broken; otherwise place is okay.

— Jack Torrance, Vermont