“Louise Linton, the labels-loving wife of Steven Mnuchin, replied condescendingly to an Instagram poster about her lifestyle and belittled the woman, Jenni Miller, a mother of three from Portland, Ore., for having less money than she does.” — New York Times, 8/22/17

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Greetings #peasants, it’s me, Louise Linton, in a beautiful #hermesscarf and #tomford sunnies. You may know my husband, Steve Mnuchin, America’s Secretary of Treasure. Or you may be familiar with my work as a film star, from my turn as Samantha in Crew 2 Crew to 2013’s The Power of Few, where I played the role of “Cory’s Mother” #crew2crew #corysmom. I am also #rich, and probably paid more taxes on my #farragamo pants than you have in your entire worthless life.

Anyway, I found a spare moment between my annual three weeks of employment to put my diamond-studded #carandache pen to paper and write some fall fashion tips for the #greatunwashedmasses. Consider it yet another handout from me to you.

First off, that funky patterned #versace blouse may have gotten you through a summer of #leeching off the goodwill of the donor class, but now that fall is rolling around, it’s time to go understated. Try pairing a dark #ysl cashmere with a #givenchy suede jacket, or #burberry if you’re on a budget. #parasites

Don’t worry ladies, unlike my villa in #cabosanlucas, athleisure isn’t just for summer. This September onward, stay cool and comfortable in a pair of #gucci mesh-cut leggings and #marcjacobs sneakers. You’ll look downright #cute as you desperately jog away from the kinds of #sacrifices my loving husband and I have made for this country.

I know what you’re thinking – how can I grab even more out of silver screen #legend Louise Linton’s pockets, and what about makeup? A maroon or burgundy lip by #dior is my go-to, and should be yours too. It contrasts beautifully with any skin tone, from #porcelain to #ivory to #shell. And remember, only some people deserve to have nice things! I learned that while writing my memoir, In Congo’s Shadow, about my time in #Africa, a place where people do not even have basic amenities like #prada driving gloves and #dolce leopard-print handbags.

People are going to remember 2017 for just one thing: leather. And for genuine Italian #leather, you can’t do better than #cesarepaciotti, founded in 1980, the same year my husband got into Yale, and I was born. Have you even heard of Yale, you gluttonous fucking freeloader? #takethehighroad

For every fashion #do there’s a fashion #dont. First of all, don’t overdo it on the black – it makes you look old. Instead, keep it as youthful as possible with a dark gray #fendi vest and lighter #chanel accents. I know deep down Steve will replace me eventually. Second, don’t cheap out on the jewelry. When I’m staring at the reflection of my autumn #rosegold necklace in my #infinitypool, contemplating the ever-widening pit that is a myopic existence defined by greed and unmitigated materialism, you won’t catch me in anything less than #tiffanyandco. And here’s the biggest no-no I can give folks like you: for the love of God, do not breed! #mnugenics

Oh, and please check out my film Odious later this year; I believe I am in one of the scenes.