If you love someone, set them free; beforehand, fasten an irremovable GPS tracking device around their ankle, or, better yet, implant a microscopic version in their skin tissue while they’re unconscious. Maintain vigilant observation of them, recording historical patterns of both daytime and nighttime movement. If they still haven’t returned within six months, assemble a crack squadron of former SEAL Team members and launch a daring midnight mission to recover them. Once they are in your possession again, realize that, this whole time, you were experiencing pronominal confusion of the singular “someone” with the plural “they” or “them.” This is why he or she didn’t come back on his or her own, and why you will forever be alone: because of you’re poor grammar. (I’ll be alone, too.)
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU
Through November 9, we’re auctioning off a number of props and costumes from Boots Riley’s 2018 hit film “Sorry to Bother You,” the screenplay of which was originally published in 2014 as part of McSweeney’s 48.
February 14, 2012