How would Shawon Dunston fare today? What if he was drafted now? Would he be a top-ten shortstop?

Jordan Green

Let’s get all Rob Neyer on this question.

In order to determine where Dunston would fall in a fantasy draft, we must gather his lifetime averages. A quick trip to Google with the search parameters of “Stats,” “Baseball,” and “Dunston” will take care of that. Thanks, Google!

The result:
.269 BA, 66 Rs, 98 1Bs, 26 2Bs, 6 3Bs, 13 HRs, 60 RBIs, 19 SBs, 18 BBs

In a standard points league, that translates to 402 points for the season. Last year, that would have been good enough for ninth best shortstop in the league, sandwiched between the Royals phenom Angel Berroa and Jimmy “the Worst Player of All Time” Rollins.

Dunston would be a solid late-round pick, not much more. He wouldn’t hurt you in the lineup, but his upside is greatly diminished at the age of forty-one. And, as perennial-sleeper-pick Eric Hinske can attest, it’s all about upside, baby! I’d steer clear.

As Neyer would say if he were Stuart Scott: “Boo-ya!”

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Would Sammy Sosa hit more home runs if his bat were made entirely of cork, or if he contracted Dr. Frankenstein to make his right arm entirely robotic, as Barry Bonds has done? Just musing.

— Micah Perry

My guess would be the robotic arm, simply because hitting with a bat made entirely of cork is just dumb. I mean, the ball would go right through the cork. And that’s not me talking; that’s physics. And she is, indeed, a cold bitch.

Sammy would be lucky to get the ball back to the pitcher with the all-cork bat. Plus, the cork might not be hypoallergenic.

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In your opinion, is it better to offer fair trades to competitive teams, or to offer brutally lopsided trades to weak teams managed by incompetents? Also, can you provide a complex pun, suitable for posting to my league message board, which involves Matt Stairs, Tim Salmon, and Laynce Nix?

Christopher Tassava

The question of taking advantage of inexperienced managers is always a tricky one. The decision always should be based on one factor: money.

If a lot of bling is at stake, then all is fair game and offering lopsided trades to your mentally handicapped fellow-managers is justified. If the other managers begin to get angry with you, simply take your winnings, excuse yourself from the league (victoriously!), and buy your way into another one. One with more suckas!

Remember what Mr. T never said: “You got to be mean to get the green!”

Although your pun request is far too complex, I will provide you with the following puzzle:

Match the above players’ names with their name-generated handles:

Dutch Porn Name Generator: Helmar Van Ringe
White Lesbian Name Generator: Pansy FatSister
Ramones Name Generator: Laynce Ramone

The results may surprise you …

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Chad Tracy or Eric Hinske?

Jack Nicas

According to CBS’s Scott Miller, the five discs that are currently in Eric Hinske’s CD player (as of May 20) are:

1. Seasons by Sevendust
2. Break the Cycle by Staind
3. St. Anger by Metallica
4. Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park
5. G-Unit by 50 Cent

You can use that information however you want.

(Personally, seeing St. Anger on that list forces me to give the nod to Tracy. At least when the FCC eventually turns America into a fascist police state, St. Anger and other such atrocities will be prohibited from appearing on music-store shelves.)

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Dear Rick:

I’m already so far behind. Is patience a virtue in these things? I’m already considering holding a fire sale.

Yours in Christ,
Neal Pollack
(Yes, the guy who used to write for McSweeney’s.)

First things first: swallow a pill. No, not an illegal drug, but one composed of 100 percent chill. Realize that the season is only about one-fourth of the way through. Right now, it would be the fifth game of the football season, meaning the Dolphins and Giants would still be in playoff contention.

My advice is to not make any drastic moves (Albert Pujols for Danny Graves), wait a few weeks, and see if your team has caught up any. If they haven’t, spend your time scouting for fantasy football, crying, taking a lot of real drugs, posting drunken insults on the league message board, and writing about the current state of American politics in a profane and quite comical way.