Find a relaxing place
Whatever that means to you
A chair or pillow or snowbank will do
Begin to breathe
Think about Target
And how great Target is
Did you know that your great state is the home of Target?
Whatever that means to you
Take that in
Have you ever pronounced it Tar-jhay?
Very French
Very sophisticated
Let your body melt into the snowbank you’ve chosen
Breathe in through your nose
Take in the air that’s coming off all those lakes
How many lakes are there?
Begin to count
Stop when you get to 10,000
Because that’s how many there are
Open your eyes slowly

Los Angeles

Find a place that is warm and comfortable
Probably in your car
Just find your car
Did you park it on Montana?
You definitely parked it on Arizona.
Have you ever been to Arizona?
Let your muscles go
Drive Sit on the 405
Drive Sit on the 405
Drive Sit on the 405
You’re out of new podcasts
How does that happen
How many hours have you spent in your car this week?
Maybe you should take Wilshire
That was a mistake
Who is going to Beverly Hills at 4 pm on a Tuesday?
Clear your mind
You’ve seen the inside of the Universal lot more times this month
Than you’ve seen your mother
Breathe in
Soften your fingers
Soften your palms
Forget about your dog
He pooped on the floor
But you have a view of the valley
And a personal assistant job
You are paid hourly to pick up someone’s
Coconut water
Breathe out
You asked for this
Open your eyes slowly
Maybe you should go to law school?


Find a comfortable spot
Soften your muscles
Light up a joint
Smoke it
Breathe in
Breathe out in rings if you can
You are not high
You are getting high
You are almost high enough
You are high
Shit a little too high
Finish your hike
Plan tomorrow’s hike

San Francisco

Take off your VR headset and close your eyes
Settle into your ergonomic desk chair
Make sure your feet are flat on the floor in your Vans
Let your body relax
Take your hands off the keyboard
Breathe in through your nose
Breathe out through your mouth
take your hands off the keyboard
Let your muscles go
from the tip of your head all the way down to your toes
Hands off the keyboard
I’m going to unplug it if you can’t keep them off
I know it’s wireless
I was testing you
drain the stress from your fingertips
Make 1 million dollars
Open your eyes slowly


Flutter your eyes closed
Begin by getting into a comfortable place
Like June or July
Let the very small tide of Lake Michigan wash over you
Feel how cold the water is
Don’t fish in it
Breathe in
Breathe out
Palms to heart-center
Feel that Italian beef coming back up
Never mind it’s just a burp
Let it out
Figure out where you’re having brunch
The Cubs won the world series
The Cubs won the world series
The cubs won the world series

Whatever that means to you
Literally everything
Think about how many times you posted about the Cubs on social media this year
Open your eyes slowly


Flutter your eyes closed
Listen to the waves
You can’t sleep
Take in the rain as it hits the roof
Let it calm you
Slow your breathing
Your son hands you the phone
It’s a radio show
They know about your wife’s death
Breathe in
Give in to the sensation
Talk about your perfect match
Your son is ruining your life
But also helping?
You get fan-mail
Is Meg Ryan out there?
Wait for Meg Ryan to fly across the country
Because she will
Surprise you on a highway
Empire state building
Amicable fiancé break up
You are Tom Hanks
You have always been Tom Hanks
Open your eyes slowly
Where is Chet?


Begin your meditation by thinking about a small, backroom bar that you’ve played your miniature guitar in recently
Breathe in the smoke
Take a sip of a free beer
Remember, you get free beers because you play music
You also get away with wearing fedoras
Now imagine you’re at a brunch place
Sit there for three hours
Remember to be gentle to your body
Have another bloody mary with bacon and shrimp on it
Listen to the sounds of coffee brewing
Eggs frying
Notice a new sound
It’s 19-year-old girl who dropped out of college to sing at the Planet Hollywood next door
Breathe in
Breathe out
Do you remember that whiskey bar next door to that all-glass pop-up creative agency?
Uber there
Take a sip of whiskey
Running down your throat
A little gets on your tweed vest
Ask the mustached man next to you for his pocket square
Breathe in the polka dots
Let your body relax
What exactly is a creative agency?
Open your eyes slowly


Fluttah yah eyes closed
Put sugah
In ya cawfee
Remembah how wicked sweet Havahd yahd is
Cahlm yaself
Entah a dahk pahty
Eat some chowda
Cheeah on the Red Sahx
Breathe in
Breathe out
Open your eyes slowly
Recite: “Charlie on the MTA

Washington DC

Check in with your body
Pass the Japanese embassy
Where are you today?
Somewhere on a rooftop with twinkle lights
Sipping recently distilled whiskey
Soften your shoulders
Let go of the tension
In your arms
What used to be on this corner?
A middle-class immigrant family’s home
With a hair salon below it
Now it’s a Whole Foods
Buy some kale
Because you’ll probably use it soon
Just kidding
You won’t
It’ll go bad
In your fridge
Pass the vice president’s house
Bring yourself back
To your breath
Soften your gaze
Pass the National Cathedral
Is there a good wood-fired pizza place close?
Pass the Washington monument
Begin to move your toes slowly
Feel the power
Of old white men
You have never seen the inside of the capitol
Open your eyes slowly
Buy artisanal goat cheese from what used to be
A crack den

New York

Find a comfortable place
Somewhere you can de-stress
Not midtown
Don’t go to midtown
I’m not kidding
Re-center yourself
Check in with your body
Do you have everything you need for the day?
Spend 5 minutes trying to swipe your metro card because you’ve started this now
Swipe again, I guess
Take the A to the 1 and transfer at Columbus circle
Unless the B is running
Then just take the B
You could also transfer to the F or even take the L across
But then you would have to walk
But it would be faster
Just Be in your body
Now you’re in Times Square
Being humped by the man in the Elmo costume
Relax into your breath
Feel the tips of your fingers
Feel the pavement under your feet as you walk
End up in a Chinese restaurant
Eat your fill
Realize it has a C rating
Vomit into a trash can
Breathe in through your nose
Breathe out through your mouth
Relieve yourself on the sidewalk
Open your eyes slowly
Burn a 20 dollar bill

Portland, Maine

Breathe in through your nose
Soften your hands
Soften your eye lids
Breathe out through your mouth
You flew to the wrong Portland
Open your eyes slowly
Call your fiancé because you’re not making it to Oregon for your wedding tomorrow