NOTE: September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

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Talk Like a Person Who Comments on Every Post on the Neighborhood Listserv Day
Say, “I DID hear that dog barking!” and “I’ll keep a lookout for your dog!” and “I don’t know whose dog that is!” and “So glad you found your dog!” Speculate on what that smell could have been or why those fire trucks were there. Recommend plumbers, babysitters, Thai restaurants, dermatologists, and other topics you have little to no experience with. Warn people about new speed cameras and the rumored relocating of bus terminals. Don’t talk to any of your own neighbors at all.

Talk Like a Grandma Who Took Her Grandchildren to Swim Class Day
After talking to a total stranger for about a minute, just start sharing all your thoughts on your adult children’s parenting skills. Blame your daughter and son-in-law for the Mandarin/piano/parkour classes your grandkids take, how out of control the kids are, and how you also don’t get to spend nearly enough time with them. Then, as if someone changed your dial, muse about how much you like pesto. Offer recipes.

Talk Like a Pediatric Dentist at Happy Hour Day
Walk around with margarita all over your blouse. Yell, “After THIS day you expect me to hold onto an extra-wide glass with salt all over it?” When you notice a guy staring at you, say you’re not trying to kill him, you just want to look at his teeth. If someone sees you and says, “Hey, you’re our dentist!” say, “No, not me. I’m a sculptress.” If you fall off a chair and someone tries to help you up shout, “Stop hovering, Tim’s mom” or “Here comes the giggle air!”

Talk Like a Facebook Friend Who’s Constantly Surprised That Time Passes Day
Look at old photos of your children. Say, “They’re getting too big!” and “Time slow down!” and “STOP GROWING!” to the point where your friends can’t help but imagine some terrifying Twilight Zone scenario. Also, voice your shock that your Japan trip happened in 2015 and you’ve been friends with Kim for six years.

Talk Like an Owner of a B&B That’s Totally Not Haunted Day
Follow people around with a carafe of day-old coffee. Talk about wind chill, the lighthouse tour everyone should try, or why it’s a fun idea to name rooms after Modern Family characters. But whatever you do, do not ask anyone how they slept last night. If someone mentions a pale teenager asking about her prom date, say, “My coconut blondies are still in the oven!” and run away.

Talk Like a Woman Who’s Constantly Freezing at Work Day
Say, “I wonder if I have an iron deficiency!” and “I’m wearing four layers and I still can’t feel my toes!” and “Are you cold? I’m cold!” and literally nothing else. Hand out copies of studies showing that cold temperatures were shown to lower fruit flies’ productivity and sex drive. Find ways to stand close to Dan, who’s shy and always eating a breakfast sandwich, but also sweats a lot so he must be on to something.

Talk Like a Person Picking Up and Putting Down Every Avocado at the Grocery Store Day
Start speaking to anyone near you about how the avocados are too hard, how everything these days, really, is hard, how you miss living in California, where people have avocado trees right in their own backyards, and then realize you’ve reached the point where you’ll talk to anyone anywhere about anything. Feel unfettered. Bold. Talk to other people who’ll talk to anyone, like a drunk woman who looks like your kids’ dentist and a guy giving an unsolicited monologue on bus terminals. Remember why you don’t actually want to talk to anyone anywhere about anything. Ask loudly, “Where’s the store-made guacamole?"

Talk Like a Pirate Who’s Sick of Playing Bingo Day
“Arrrrgh. I just need Aye Twenty-Fourrrr.”