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Secret New Year’s Resolutions From Washington.
BY JIM RULAND
GEORGE W. BUSH
Replace batteries in Speak N’ Spell
Put Presidential Seal on a belt buckle
Read “Keeping Secrets,” the Suzanne Somers autobiography
Buy thesasur… thesalurus… thesa… ah, fuck it
Execute more minorities
Put West Palm Beach time-share up for sale
Change name to Buck Beauchamp
Take acting classes at Nashville Community Theater
Mow down Ralph Nader in a rental car
Mark bottles in White House liquor cabinet
Stop annoying habit of humming “If I only had a heart”
Call up Newt, get shitfaced
Exploit Alaska for personal profit
Push “W” out of Air Force One; replace with superintelligent chimp
Lose love handles
Download black book off White House server
Record country western album with Shania Twain
Install Webcam in Lincoln bedroom
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