PROFESSOR: Welcome to High Level Class. Before we begin, I’d like to address one thing. I’ve been told that people think I’m a hard or difficult professor, that I am never impressed. Well, they’re right. I never like my students, and if I do like you, you’re probably smart, but also smarter than the other smart people. Double smart.
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much shuffles in his seat. He is special. He will be the one to get through to the professor.]
PROFESSOR: But, that’s not going to happen. However, I still want to learn your names, even though I won’t care about anyone in here unless they’re important, and none of you will prove that to me, and if you did it’d be even more special because I’m so hard to impress. It’d be impossible. But, let’s call role. Carl Adams?
PROFESSOR: Kid Who Talks Too Much?
PROFESSOR: Hmm… Are you the same Kid Who Talks Too Much who took Dr. Tripp’s class last semester?
KWTTM: (Humbled and surprised) Um, yes.
PROFESSOR: So you wrote the paper on Difficult Topic then?
KWTTM: Yes, I did.
PROFESSOR: The entire department has been abuzz with your handling of the topic. Not many students receive such high marks from Dr. Tripp.
KWTTM: Thank you, I appreciate it.
PROFESSOR: Well, we can talk more after this class, but have you seen Good Will Hunting?—no, no, after class, after class, either way, great to have you, truly great.
PROFESSOR: All right, let’s just dive right into the material. Does anyone know about Obscure Field of Thought or Definition That Only True Intellectuals Would Be Able to Describe With Nuance and Accuracy?
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much raises his hand.]
PROFESSOR: Oh, well, here will be the real test.
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much provides a concise answer to the question that is thorough but not meandering. The professor nods and smiles as the Kid Who Talks Too Much continues, managing to sound endearing, curious, and not authoritative while clearly being very knowledgeable, he finishes with his own theory expanding upon these ideas.]
PROFESSOR: Well… that removes a good bit of today’s lecture (chortles). Yes, that’s it exactly. But what were you saying about your own thoughts on…
KWTTM: Oh, I was just postulating that…
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much elucidates on perfectly logical statement that no other author has said.]
PROFESSOR: Are you suggesting that…
[The professor goes on to discuss the possible new fundamental understanding of subject with awe and wonder.]
KWTTM: Well, it’s just something I guess I’ve been thinking about. But, yes.
PROFESSOR: I’m sorry class, but I must call in all the other Important People in the area, because what has been said will shatter our understandings of not only this topic but the entire basis of this academic institution.
KWTTM: I was just answering the ques—
[Every important person within a 15-mile radius comes sprinting into the room, covered in sweat.]
PROFESSOR: Say it again.
KWTTM: Well, I was just saying…
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much repeats theory.]
IMPORTANT PERSON #1: Is he saying that…
IMPORTANT PERSON #2: Everything has changed.
IMPORTANT PERSON #3: He has… call the… it’s all…
IMPORTANT PERSON #1: Only the smartest person ever could do this. And I’ve met tons of smart people so I know about this sort of thing.
PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY: I have called in my resignation…you are now President and will likely be the best one ever.
KWTTM: (slightly shocked) Wow… I’m honored. Thank you.
IMPORTANT PERSON #4: You’re a charming, humble genius. You are also in great shape! How can it all fit into one package?! We are all impressed by every part of you. And asking you to change would be ridiculous because you’re perfect and every person who has ever met must think that!
[Every person who has ever disliked Kid Who Talks Too Much walks by class and pops their heads in.]
ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE DISLIKED KWTTM: Is something happening here?
MOST IMPORTANT PERSON: The Kid Who Talks Too Much is the most valuable person — and best — to ever exist! Are you the people that didn’t think that!?
ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE DISLIKED KWTTM: Oh, yes, we didn’t think that, but we all had giant parasites in our heads causing us to think opposite of normal people.
[Everyone nods knowingly, as if to say “that finally makes sense then.”]
GIRLS WHO REJECTED KID WHO TALKS TOO MUCH IN THE PAST: He’s so cute too! We were all wrong, probably because we were too immature. Or the parasites, we might have had those as well.
KWTTM: I don’t even know what to say.
PROFESSOR: Well, actually, class is over, so we’ll pick up this discussion next week and continue it throughout the semester. I’ll send the updated syllabus, now focused on discussing how Kid Who Talks Too Much is the best and most special person. See you all Wednesday, please come prepared for the lecture by thinking about Kid Who Talks Too Much and wishing he were your friend.
[The Kid Who Talks Too Much starts packing up stuff, still glowing by the turn of events.]
ENTIRE REST OF CLASS: Hey, sorry to bother you, but, um, you’re really smart and genuine and cool. None of us are mad about the fact that you talked so much in class. We wish you talked more.
[Parasites crawl out of their ears and everyone cheers.]
KWTTM: Oh, wow—
[The heavens open and a bright light engulfs the classroom.]
GOD: Jesus is back and he’s the Kid Who Talks Too Much.
KWTTM: Well… I had a feeling about some of this, but it’s nice to hear other people say it.