Hey, kids, come look at what Great-Aunt Eleanor sent—it’s our annual holiday gift basket of food-like products! Calm down, Jeremy. Yes, it’s really here! Your ol’ dad wouldn’t kid around about something like that.

Sure, son, go ahead and launch in on the ever-popular Thrice-Smoked Beef Cylinder. I don’t think you’re likely to find such a fine hunk o’ protein anywhere. Whoops—looks like you forgot to remove the plastic wrapping first. No taste difference? Then gnaw away, son, gnaw away!

Yes, Trish, you get to dig around in the festive shredded plastic for the disks of pasteurized processed-cheese food. Remember the great time you and your friends had last year playing street hockey with those Gouda disks? Great-Aunt Eleanor knows we like our food to be fun!

Let’s see now … Hey, dear—check it out! It’s a drawstring bag filled with ingredients for making our very own homemade apple-cinnamon muffins! Here you go. Let us know when those muffins are ready and you’re done cleaning up. Have fun!

Oh, ho, ho, kids—here’s Dad’s favorite: flavorless carbohydrate wafers! No one can tell me these things don’t make a fine receptacle for the delicious pemmican-kiwi-hazelnut spread. Hey, let’s not forget the tradition of digging out last year’s spread from the back of the fridge and throwing it out! Remember how Sparky barked and barked and hid when we tried to give him some? Where is Sparky, that little devil? Come, boy! Get out from under the couch, Sparky—we aren’t breaking out the spread just yet. Ha, ha! What special memory-inducing family moments Great-Aunt Eleanor’s basket provides!

Ah, yes … a tin of our favorite sweets: Choker’s Delight Giant Peppermint Candy Drops. You kids remember how to do the Heimlich maneuver, right? All right, then, enjoy!

Mmmm—the sparkling nonalcoholic grape drink with Taste Celebration Flavor Enhancers is better than ever! And now, let’s raise our glasses and offer a toast to the provider of this jollity. To Great-Aunt Eleanor … and happy holidays to all!