Timothy from Passaic, you’re on the air…

Hey, first time/long time. Love your show.

Terrific. [long sigh] Shoot.

I’m wondering what you think Marc Jacobs might be bringing to his Fall 2014 collection? Any surprises? Exotic materials? A new color palette? What will we see this week?

You’re a little confused, Timothy. Fashion Week is the name of the whole event. Okay? Marc is only going to have one show. It’s not like he’s going to… every day just start trickling stuff out there. Okay? Doesn’t work like that. It’s not a friggin’ advent calendar of Marc Jacobs.

Sorry. Show. His show. That’s what I meant. And actually, in years past, he’s had a couple of shows. Big Marc, Little Marc.

Well, it would save me and my listeners a lot of time to say what you mean. Clarify. By the way, no truth to the rumors that I’m gonna take Cathy Horyn’s job.

I didn’t ask—

It’s my turn to talk, Timothy. I’ve been doing this for 26 years. Took six months off when my appendix burst. Michael Kors was my first visitor. Jean-Louis filled in here. Did a so-so job. His accent annoyed people. Some of you creeps actually lobbied for him to get my gig. But obviously that wasn’t going to happen. Okay? And just so you know, whenever I’m asked… when I go to speak at, like, conferences, and they say, “What would make you quit?” my answer is always the Timothys of this world.

Anyway, it’s tough to tell with a Marc Jacobs, who by the way has NEVER had multiple shows during Fashion Week. Don’t know where you get your information. The show itself is gonna be huge. Huge. But the distractions and the prestige of doing a Louis Vuitton collection are gone. Okay? Those days are over. Okay? Marc made it clear. Took his ball and went home. And they gave that gig to Nicolas Ghesquière. Not up to me to say whether Nic deserved it or not. Okay?

But I will tell you this: if Marc Jacobs shows up at the Armory and he doesn’t have a trench coat in the collection? I don’t know. If I’m a retailer? If I’m a Barney’s, if I’m a Bergdorf, if I’m a Nordstrom? I gotta tell ya, I’m not confident in what I’m seeing. I’m nervous. And when I get nervous, I don’t buy. I wanna see a trench. 2014 is the Year of the Trench. Mark my words. Because when it’s pissing rain—actually, you know what I really want? I want to see a, an everyday shoe. A sandal? Something. Give me some footwear. I don’t know if I need to see the trench, to be honest. Maybe now is not the right time. And even though he’s a close personal friend and we vacation together—he still won’t tell me what he’s been up to.

Rick from Baldwin. Go ahead, Rick.

Hi, I spilled marinara sauce on—

Dennis, how did this call get through? This isn’t that kinda show, fella. I don’t have any remedies. Okay? I could tell you baking soda and then that just creates some kinda bleaching effect. After all, God only knows what you’re wearing—which, don’t tell me, I just ate! Then you’d blame me.

Tony from Hempstead, you’re on the air.

What grade do you give Anna Wintour in her elevated role so far at Condé Nast?

Excuse me, Tony, did you say elevated?

Yes, I did.

Do you have a hunk of sheet metal lodged in your forehead? For years, she’s leading the crown jewel of that empire and now her reward is to fiddle with all these lesser titles? And let me ask you this, Tony, who wants to be an editor at a magazine when you know Anna’s gonna swoop in whenever she wants? Popping into Lucky? Oh, yeah. I’d love it if she hovered as my art director eats Zen Palate and lays out a front-of-book feature on mittens. “Where are the alpaca ones? Who shot these fuzzy lilac ones? I wasn’t aware that women wanted to look like Grimace this winter. Please leave the building.” There’s not enough friggin’ Xanax in the world for that. Okay?

O’Brien from your car phone on the L.I.E., you’re on the air.

Hey, why are you dissing Nicolas Ghesquière?

Show me where I was dissing him. I’ll play back the tape. I merely said I wasn’t in a position to judge. Okay? ’Cause I’m not. He won’t come on my show. The invitation is out there. He can meet Suzy Menkes at at at at at at… Potbelly’s… and he won’t come on my show? I don’t get it.

Well, you know he did those iconic bags at Balenciaga.

And? So? Do you have a point?

How is your Balenciaga bag, by the way? I hear it hangs pretty low. Lots of strings dangling. No one will touch it.

I don’t have a Balenciaga bag. My wife has it. Gripped tightly in her clutches. Nobody’s touching it.

So you’re saying no one will touch your bag?

It’s not mine! Wait a minute… You’re a real comedian. Goodbye.

Joey from Bay Ridge. What’s up, Joey?

If Freddie Mercury came back to life, do you think he would ever perform in a band with Andy Hilfiger?

I’m not following you. Next caller. Luis from Dongan Hills. How are things on Staten Island, Luis? I remember you had a bee in your bonnet over those Jilsander trousers that you thought looked a little too “University of Nebraska College of Business.”

You hate Nicolas Ghesquière. You can’t fool us. What do you think of other hot French designers, like Olivier Theyskens?

I’m curious to see what Olivier’s doing for this season for Theory. The layering in his spring collection was sublime. Had. Me. Drooling. Okay? Is he in the conversation yet with your Tom Fords, your Marc Jacobs-es, your Carolina Herreras? Uh, perhaps? But hang on a second. I wanna clear up a misconception. Olivier Theyskens is Belgian. Okay? He’s originally from Belgium. Not France. You know that, right? He’s talented. Other guys from Belgium are doing I-don’t-know-what. Designing A&W uniforms? So, God love Olivier.

But I gotta wonder. I look back at his efforts with the Nina Ricci stuff and I don’t know if I always appreciated that. Okay? But then again I’m not the mistress of an overweight personal injury lawyer. I have no desire to eat dinner at Rao’s, race over to Billy Joel at the Garden, and then be made love to in a Lincoln. Okay? Was it theatrical and all that other stuff? Sure. But I look back at some Nina Ricci print ads, and you know, if I squint, I see Jessica Simpson wearing Candies and taking a dump. Still, how do you trade a guy with so much upside to Theory?

His contract was not renewed. I don’t think there’s trades in fashion.

No, it was a trade. Straight up. For Solange Knowles. Gotta do your homework.

Geno in Riverdale. Shoot.

If I could, I would! I mean it. I’m appalled by what you said just now.

Okay, terrific, have fun at the BCBG show, Geno. I’ll be at Alexander Wang, which many of you won’t be able to see, since they’re cracking down on numbskulls and bloggers this year. By the way, I will be having dinner with Drake and Alexander Wang in Vinegar Hill before the show. Not worried about the after party. This year it is all about the before show. My better half will be wearing a dress by Creatures of the Wind, which we got for free, full disclosure, but you can pick up at Saks for $3,500. Tell them Mike sent ya.

Victor in Sheepshead Bay. Victor. Go.

Is Ryan Gosling walking in Rag & Bone this year?

For me it’s just about the clothes, Victor. The art. I’m a little puzzled why you would ask that when A) it’s Google-able and B) we could speculate from now until the lights go down, and we still wouldn’t get it right. The only thing you can count on are a couple of different shows from Marc Jacobs. Big Marc, Little Marc.