HOST: As we near the trade deadline, rumors swirling about who the Birds might try to get. Will they pick up a starting pitcher for the pennant run? Let’s go to the phones. Donnie from Dundalk, you’re on 105.7 The Fan.
DONNIE FROM DUNDALK: Hey, my thing is, why don’t they just go out and get a good starting pitcher? Thanks for taking my call, and I’ll take my answer on the air.
HOST: Well, it’s pretty simple, Donnie. There are only a handful of decent starting pitchers available and just about every team wants them. So it’s a supply-and-demand thing. Not enough quality arms to go around, and the ones that are available are very expensive.
DONNIE: Right. I think they should get what’s-his-name, from Chicago.
HOST: If you’re talking about Chris Sale, Chicago has said repeatedly they’re not selling him, no matter what.
DONNIE: Yeah, him. I think they should go get him.
HOST: Chicago’s not selling him, Donnie.
DONNIE: I think they should do a trade for him.
HOST: OK. Well, teams are asking for a heavy price. What do you suggest the Birds do? Trade their All-Star centerfielder and their All-Star catcher and half their bullpen?
HOST: I was kidding. What I just proposed is unreasonable.
DONNIE: Sounds pretty cut-and-dried to me, buddy. So, hey, listen, I was thinking, while they’re at it, why don’t they get two good starting pitchers?
HOST: That’s really, really unreasonable. That would cost something like, I don’t know, eight hundred million dollars.
DONNIE: Bingo. Let’s do it. Great show.
HOST: OK, next caller. Fred from Aberdeen. Talk some sense to me, buddy.
FRED FROM ABERDEEN: Why don’t we send some boys out to Chicago, drug that good pitcher they got, and put him in a truck back to Baltimore?
HOST: Um, OK. We’re talking felonies now. Next caller. Damon from Catonsville.
DAMON: One word: Clones.
HOST: Patrick from Remington, go, buddy.
PATRICK FROM REMINGTON: I think they should buy one of those pitching machines and throw it out there on the mound and crank it up to like fuckin’ infinity, man.
HOST: Jesus Christ, language, people. Stacie from Washington.
STACIE FROM WASHINGTON: I’ve been thinking about these pitchers who shoot laser-beam baseballs.
HOST: It sounded like you said “laser-beam baseballs.”
STACIE: Yeah. They got them over in Japan.
HOST: No, they don’t.
STACIE: I read about it on the internet.
HOST: Where on the internet?
STACIE: Japanese internet.
HOST: Do you read Japanese?
STACIE: No, and I’ll take my answer off the air.
HOST: You didn’t ask a question. Jamal from West Baltimore. Go, please.
JAMAL FROM WEST BALTIMORE: I wanted to get in on this laser thing.
HOST: What the last caller, just 10 seconds ago, was talking about?
JAMAL: Yeah, my thing is, I think the laser-beam baseballs should be on fire.
HOST: How—what am I saying?—how is that even possible?
JAMAL: And the baseballs should be invisible.
HOST: Matt from Stoneleigh.
MATT FROM STONELEIGH: The pitchers should be invisible.
HOST: Jill from Arbutus.
JILL FROM ARBUTUS: Pitchers who can do mind control.
HOST: Magan from Mount Vernon, talk some sense, please. Please.
MAGAN FROM MOUNT VERNON: I don’t have anything to say about trades, but I wanted to say something about strategy.
HOST: Finally, some sense. What do you got, Magan.
MAGAN: You know how in that movie Stand by Me how that fat guy drinks the poison and throws up on everyone at the pie-eating contest?
HOST: OK, yeah. But what does that have to do—
MAGAN: I think the Birds should do that.
HOST: You want the Birds to throw up on the other team?
MAGAN: Oh, no, that would be crazy.
HOST: Oh, wow. Good. I was thinking you meant—
MAGAN: They should poison the other teams, is what I meant.
HOST: What is happening?
MAGAN: I don’t know how to make this any clearer.
HOST: You’re still on the air?!
MAGAN: Fuck yeah, I am.
HOST: I’m out of ideas with you people. This is very dangerous territory. Let’s take one more call. Kenny from Park Heights, you’re on 105.7 The Fan, or what’s left of it. I shudder to ask, but what’s on your mind?
KENNY FROM PARK HEIGHTS: What a bunch of callers, huh?
HOST: You’re telling me, pal. I think I might be out of a job.
KENNY: Well, I think you got a great show there.
HOST: Thank you.
KENNY: But my thing is, who says we need pitchers at all?
HOST: Christ on a stick.
KENNY: You know where I’m going with this.
HOST: I really don’t.
KENNY: A lefty.
HOST: A left-hander, yes, would be a good addition. Thanks for the sanity, Kenny.
KENNY: You didn’t let me finish.
HOST: Oh, no.
KENNY: A lefty hologram. Very hard to hit.
HOST: Let’s take a break. Next up, what do the Ravens need to upgrade to compete in a competitive football division? I see the phones are already lit up. Please help me.