Dear 7495434,

At your last electrolysis appointment, your esthetician nominated you for the Equal Hair Equal Share Act. We are pleased to tell you that your average of ten chin hairs per square inch puts you in the cumulative soul patch category. So, congratulations! You have enough beard growth to receive as much pay as a man. Your employer has been notified of your socially stigmatized, yet lucrative, chin hair levels and you should see your salary increase in your next paycheck.

Although you will soon receive equal pay to your male counterparts, we must remind you that you still CANNOT do any of the following:

  • Pee standing up
  • Quote Gladiator
  • Talk over a co-worker
  • Scratch yourself in public when you think no one’s looking
  • Have a penis
  • Publicly display vats of protein powder
  • Preach on your athletic prowess in high school
  • Forget to wipe

Perform any of the bro-centric actions listed above and the Department of Labor will send a privileged, middle-aged male, reminiscent of your friend’s boyfriend that you hate, to condescendingly explain the rules. We run on a three strikes program. So, if two mansplaining sessions do not register in your scientifically proven thicker skull, you will be re-categorized as a “Follicly Challenged Female” and your pay will drop to 70% of your male coworker’s salary (the one with the same job who does slightly worse work than you).

In order to maintain this privilege, and ensure that men still have the upper hand in the workforce, paragraph 3 section 24 of the Equal Hair Equal Share Act requires that you visit the Chamber of Degradation once a year. There, a slightly off-putting group of predators will surround you and do the following:

  • Catcall
  • Tell you to “Smile, girl”
  • Ask why you’re not wearing heels
  • Tell you that “you look tired” when you forgot to put on makeup
  • Call you “emotional”
  • Greet you by looking you straight in the boob

Once again, congratulations on having a random genetic disposition that qualifies you to be 30% more financially secure than half of the population for no discernable reason.

The Department of Labor