Millennials are known for bucking a lot of trends set by their predecessors, but are they also fucking one of their predecessors? Specifically, are they fucking your wife? If these young adults are hell-bent on destroying the golf industry and Buffalo Wild Wings, where are they going to get their kicks? The answer may be written on your embroidered hand towels (hint: it’s the initials for the name of your wife.)

Here are some signs to look out for to tell whether your wife has been — as the kids call it — “hooking up” with some gen-Y jerkface.

One of the biggest risk factors that determine whether your wife is boinking some SnapChatting honey pot with a full head of hair and ideal testosterone levels is simply proximity. Millennials are less likely to own cars, so they’re going to fuck closer to home. You may think you’re safe in your quiet, un-hip subdivision. Why would a sexy 20- or 30-something want to be in a place where the only local bar is at a Ramada Inn by the highway? Aren’t they all in the center of town where brunch is available seven days a week?

Think again. Even in our booming post-recession economy, 23% of millennials live at home with their parents. Who are their parents? They’re your neighbors. That means they’re in your neighborhood, which is also where your wife lives.

Just try to take your wife out to dinner and they’ll be there, picking at their happy hour bar food, sipping their craft beers or the cheapest rosé on the menu. It’s all subsidized by their parents, but they deserve it because finding a job is like a job in itself. It’s hard to find a public place that doesn’t have at least a few young adults. They’re everywhere, always on display for your wife to see, and maybe to fuck. There are only a few public places you can go where you won’t find a millennial: historic steam engine train rides, bring-your-own-wine arts and crafts classes, and places of worship.

Millennials are perpetually bored, constantly requiring new devices, apps, shows, and wives to fill their time. They have a higher unemployment rate than the rest of us, so they have plenty of time to spare that they can fill with your dearly beloved, and vice versa. Think their conscience will stop them? Think again. They’ll simply blame it on their ADHD — it’s their excuse for everything.

It is possible my words have reached you too late. The millennials may already be fucking your wife. But how can you tell? There are some behavioral signs to look out for. After making love, rather than lighting up a Virginia Slim, does your bride now reach for a vape pen? Does she insist you change from an AOL email address to Gmail? Does food disappear from the refrigerator at the rate that a hungry young millennial might consume it? Free food is irresistible to these kids. Their hunger for a free meal is as voracious as their appetite for married middle-aged flesh.

Millennials are not to be trusted. The lives they lead are devoid of integrity or moral direction. Their idols are known miscreants: sex tape entrepreneurs, auto-tuned automatons, and even soccer players. Their YouTubes, memes, and emojis are no replacement for good old-fashioned American pastimes like golfing with your work buddies, or drinking with your golf buddies, or just reminiscing about the first car you ever owned. Or the time you bought a house for less than the price of a car.

What can you do? It may seem inevitable that a person born within a specific yet seemingly arbitrary timespan will end up making passionate, angry love to your wife. Just remember that your wife is yours, possession is 9/10ths the law, and you earned what you have. You can’t stop the millennial infestation, but you must always maintain your sense of superiority.