You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law … on the off chance one should be constructed in your lifetime.

Once you’re in custody, a video record of your interrogation will be made for our entertainment.

Prior to your interrogation, in order to learn English, you will be provided with a Rosetta Stone instructional CD-ROM and a copy of Tom Brokaw’s Boom: Voices of the Sixties. You may choose to have your questioning conducted in one of the three universal languages: Latin, Esperanto, or Love.

You are allowed 90 minutes of exercise in every 24-hour period. It will be Bikram yoga. You’ll feel great afterward, trust me.

You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you at no cost. His name is Ben Hayflick. He lives in New Paltz, but he has a small place in Astoria that he shares with two grad students, so he’s in the city a lot. The bar exam’s not till June, but he’s very sharp, and wrote a great piece on tort reform for the Columbia Law Review. You’d really like him if you ever got a chance to talk with him. Which you won’t.

Your detention, as well as any medical attention you may require, shall be provided free of charge, once we receive your $20 co-pay and your $2,000 deductible, with an annual cap of $25,000 and a lifetime cap of $100,000. Prior authorization required and you must subscribe to our Wellness Signature Plan.

You have the right to a trial by your peers. Twelve men and women will be selected at random and must come to a unanimous decision on how long to hold you in secret detention before your suicide or execution, whichever comes first.

You are practically guaranteed that waterboarding or forced stress positions will be outlawed in early 2009.

A U.S. soldier may only withdraw articles of value from you for your own protection. Such articles may include, but are not limited to, euros, gold fillings, and human hair of a length substantial for adaptation into lifelike wigs.

You are at liberty to practice your own religion and to be provided with all reasonable accommodation to exercise your religious freedom: that of loving the one true Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

You will be assigned a designation of “Illegal Enemy Combatant,” “Unlawful Extremist Insurgent,” or “Captain Stubing.” Because I used to love that show.

You have the right to wear clothing in accordance with your religious and cultural practices. For security reasons, the only clothing prohibited will be that in which weapons can be hidden. This includes turbans, stovepipe hats, muumuus, merkins, Confederate-flag belt buckles, codpieces, spats, and anything that covers the anal cavity.

You are entitled to a free McFlurry if I don’t say “Have a nice day.”

You have the right to free speech. But does that mean you can yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater? What about graffiti? Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote that “the best test of truth is the power of the thought to get itself accepted in the competition of the market, and that truth is the only ground upon which their wishes safely can be carried out.” Think about this and we’ll thrash it out later at the interrogation.

When we’re stacking your naked body into a pyramid for photo ops, you have the right to have your tears of shame dabbed at least every 15 minutes.

If you are the subject of so-called extraordinary rendition and flown to an undisclosed location in Syria or Pakistan between October 4 and 19, your frequent-flyer account will be credited with 500 bonus miles. In the unlikely event it becomes a round trip, you will receive 1,000 bonus miles and an upgrade to Economy Plus.

Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you? With these rights, you may—blah blah blah. I hope you like cattle prods.