Hello, Mom. Hi, Dad. Please sit down. I know this is a surprise visit, but I’ve come home from sunny Los Angeles, California because there’s something I need to tell you. I’m a new media content creator.

Stop crying, Mom. Put your belt back on, Dad. I don’t care if this violates your beliefs. It’s not my fault that you’ve held on to archaic, traditional means of consuming content. The world is changing. Growing up here in Podunk Chicago, Illinois was stifling. I didn’t know that there was a place out there where it wasn’t weird that I didn’t want to pay for a newspaper. And it took me a long time to realize who I am and tell myself that I’m entitled to commensurate residuals resulting from DVD sales of content originally distributed on streaming platforms.

Stop punching yourself in the face, Mom. Take the fork out of your leg, Dad. This is the way it is and you better get used to it. If you don’t get with the times, they’re going to leave you behind. I bet you don’t even know what cyberculture is. Go ahead and keep praying to your precious “one-to-many” model of mass communication. Us kids will be out there in the streets championing a “many-to-many” model of mass communication.

Step away from the ledge, Mom. Don’t queue up that VCR, Dad. Do you really think I’m the first one in the family to be like this? Well, I have news for you. Cousin Andy snapchats himself unboxing a bunch of candles every day and ranking their smells. Little Josie just went viral with a charming song about what it’s like to be two years old. Dad, your father produces feminist pornography. Are you going to shut all this out of your lives? I know you saw me one day hosting a show on the radio, but that dream died with Garrison Keillor’s fall from grace, and I don’t need to measure myself against your ideals.

So I don’t care if I can never set foot in this house again. I’m going to return to my L.A. loft and its private self-tape-slash-Instagram-photography studio, where I’m writing and producing a yoga exercise web series that’s going to set the world on fire. I’d appreciate if you’d give it a follow.