To whom it may concern,

I am writing to inform you about the recent occurrence of mistreatment I’ve encountered at this establishment. I hope that by alerting you via written correspondence, the appropriate authorities will get involved to remedy this dire situation.

Eleven months ago, I joined this establishment to a lot of fanfare. My current position sat vacant for years before my tenure, and since I on-boarded last November I have been regularly told “you are a dream come true,” and “we are so happy to have you.” While this is flattering, I must note that almost immediately there were issues of inequality amongst my colleagues and me — issues I choose to ignore because I was new and still getting the lay of the land.

In the first few months of my new role, I had a lot of information to get up to speed on, including figuring how to roll over and acquiring a firm grasp on object permanence. Now, I have almost a year of experience completing my primary responsibilities — like sleeping, pooping, and communicating with individuals who are not fluent in my native tongue, and as I’m sure you’ve heard, all my performance reviews are glowingly positive.

I am constantly revered and told that I am “such a big girl” and “so big” and “a sweet, big girl” and yet every time I attempt to partake in certain activities alongside my older, male colleague I hear “that is not for you, Reesey,” or “that’s not for babies.” There you have my dilemma.

Is this truly an equal opportunity establishment or isn’t it? Is my colleague allowed to play with scissors because he’s truly more experienced or is it just because he’s older and a male? Am I a big girl or not?

I find it interesting that while my older colleague is allowed to do whatever he wants (including leaving early to “sleep,” while my commitment to my position includes routinely clocking in at 3 AM — take that as you will) every time I try to do something innovative I hear a litany of “nos.”

  • “No Reese, you can’t eat rocks.”
  • “No Reese, you can’t play in the toilet.”
  • “No Reese, Legos aren’t for babies.”
  • “No Reese, you can’t jump off the couch.”

I feel like I’m being unfairly stifled. Today I attempted a scientific experiment with yogurt drops and the dog’s water dish, and my research was callously wiped away before I even started recording my observations. I feel this is a gross injustice and I’m not convinced it isn’t based on age and gender discrimination. My colleague not only gets to feed the dog, but he also is allowed to drink from cups without lids. Where does it end?

I have attempted to deal with this on my own by being very vocal about my feelings. I routinely collapse onto the floor and cry whenever I am denied my right to play in the fridge or eat garbage. Every once in a while I am placated. Sometimes I get to slowly rip up drawings my colleague leaves on the floor. Once I ate a bug. But more and more I find I’m being denied even these limited opportunities. As I become more practiced in navigating the floorplan, doors are being closed and there is talk about gating the stairs. How can I be expected to shatter glass ceilings when I can’t even climb into the dishwasher?

This establishment is supposed to function with a growth mindset and I am disappointed to find it so lacking. At 12 months — a full year into my position — certain privileges must be granted or I will be forced to elevate these complaints. For one, anything my colleague is currently playing with should be mine, regardless of the so-called “age-appropriate” designations. I also want to eat his food (from his plate — this is important) after I throw mine on the floor where it belongs. It would please me to pull his hair at every opportunity, but I understand this might be a champagne dream. It goes without saying that I should be allowed full access to all company water features — toilets and water dishes and wet shower stalls included. I also request that I should be the sole person responsible for holding my mother’s phone. She is old. She probably doesn’t even know how to operate it correctly. I strongly believe it functions better when I can chew the upper left corner. I could present my findings on this theory if only I were allowed to put it into practice.

I expect to see a marked change in the management system immediately upon my first anniversary — if not sooner. I am prepared to take these concerns all the way up the chain. I am not afraid to go over your head to tell Grandma. I’m sure she would have some choice words about how her “best girl” is being treated.

Thank you for taking the time to address this issue.

“Employee of the Month” for 11 months and counting