Last week I got a cat from the animal shelter and it has yet to produce a single viral video. I had no idea such incompetent cats even existed.

The cat initially showed potential with its talent for chasing a laser dot. However, it stubbornly refused to follow the dot off a ledge. This was the first real warning sign was it was not fully committing to its performance.

Undeterred, I tried other surefire viral videos such as the cucumber by the food bowl. Its reaction was subpar – virtually no mid air twisting – and there was not even a single a frenzied hop when I threw the cucumber at it. The video got no shares, even though I added the Benny Hill Theme and 13 slow-mo replays.

I tried to be understanding of the cat’s needs. Maybe it would prefer a skill-based video instead of slapstick? This is when I discovered its appalling lack of piano playing ability. The closest it comes is that it can sing (badly) if you throw it in the air, but the video of this only got 73 YouTube views — hardly the next Justin Bieber.

Not only is the cat untalented, it is lazy too. Yesterday it tried to sit in my lap and sleep in the middle of a video shoot. What horrible work ethic! They must be doing terrible things at the animal shelter to produce such a sorry excuse for a mammal.

I have tried EVERYTHING to get a viral video. I put it in the sink, the bathtub, I even threw it from the diving board, and that only got 213 views. You should still check it out though, it’s really funny. Look up “Cats Always Land on Their Feet (BELLYFLOP!!!!!!!!!!)”

To make matters worse, the only comment the video got was “stop torturing that poor cat.” It’s the cat’s own fault, it wouldn’t be belly-flopping if it had cooperated when we were filming the other videos. So not only is this cat not making me famous, it’s humiliating me!

The animal shelter’s failure to create quality cats is so bad that it is criminally negligent; I almost died. I set up a video camera to film my phone, set a small fire in the kitchen and went to take a nap. The cat made no attempt to call 911. It didn’t even knock the phone off the cradle. The house burned down and I lost everything except the cat. It wasn’t burned at all, which is unfortunate because Fire Cat would make me A-list famous. I plan to sue the shelter for the damage done to my house as soon as I can find a lawyer willing to represent me.

I am so frustrated with this cat that I’m returning it. I don’t need it to make a viral video, I have a better plan. I’m going to get a baby.