November 1
Write the first chapter of your novel.

November 2
Watch an interview with Joseph Campbell. Outline the rest of your novel based on the hero’s journey.

November 3
Re-write the first chapter of your novel.

November 4
Make a new outline, diverging from the hero’s journey because that’s what everyone else is doing.

November 5
Fight writer’s block by working on the dedication and acknowledgements sections you’ll need to send to the publisher eventually.

November 6
Delete the first chapter of your novel because you realize it’s basically Harry Potter.

November 7
Sit down to write, but check twitter to see how everyone else in your writing group is doing. Console yourself that they’re hacks even if they are staying on pace.

November 8
Proofread Jeremy’s draft because he’s in your writing group and it’s part of the program, even though he’s a hack.

November 9
Get out of the house and try to write in a coffee shop for inspiration. Try to figure out who else in the coffee shop is trying to write a novel.

November 10
Tell Jeremy that you’ll take him up on his offer to proofread your draft just as soon as you’re done crafting it into art. Then recalculate your word count to include all the emails you sent at work.

November 11
Search through your files from college for something from that short story writing workshop to try to work in.

November 12
Walk around your neighborhood to get inspired. Sit down and describe the protagonist’s neighbor that never cleans up after his dog like that jackass across the street.

November 13
Sit down to write. Anxiously dwell on how far behind you are. Add a chapter about anxiously dwelling.

November 14
Score some Adderall to catch up, stay up all night drafting a patent for the device you just invented instead of writing.

November 15
Delete the chapter about anxiety because you can’t just add a new character named Hermione and besides, you started writing Harry Potter again.

November 16
Politely tell Jeremy to go fuck himself for sending you his next draft before you’ve finished the first one. Add that and your patent to your word count.

November 17
Write an investment plan for all the money you’ll have once you’re invention takes off. Remind yourself that when you’re flush with cash you can do twelve novel writing months a year and it won’t matter if you don’t finish this one.

November 18
Get a jump start on the inevitable interview with the New Yorker by browsing some old copies and responding to their questions for other authors. Obviously, add that to the word count.

November 19
Reconnect with your friend from college that was in engineering school. See what he thinks about your invention and if he’d like to get in on the ground floor of your empire.

November 20
Finish proofreading Jeremy’s first draft. Write the most hurtful editorial notes ever written.

November 21
Struggle with the ending. Realize you’ve painted yourself into third act problems.

November 22
Reply to Denise that they can’t kick you out of the writers group because they only held you back and so you quit. Add that to your word count.

November 23
Admit that your invention is just zip ties, but metal. And they already exist, it’s just not something you typically see.

November 24
See if the neighbor kid has any more Adderall. Tell his mom the real crime would be the crime against art she commits if she calls the cops.

November 25
Unfollow Denise and Jeremy on Twitter. Add a subplot about hacks to your novel.

November 26
Take Thanksgiving day off. Argue with dad about never finishing things. Threaten to finish him if he brings up law school one more time.

November 27
During your scheduled writing time, figure out how much you’ll have to write to get to 50,000 words if you add all the short stories, the subplot about how much Jeremy sucks, and the failed invention.

November 28
Decide you don’t have third act problems; you have a purposely ambiguous ending. It’s so ambiguous you shouldn’t even write it.

November 29
Block Jeremy on Twitter after he posts about interest from a literary agent (for hacks of course).

November 30
Use the printer at work to “publish” your novel(la) and send it to Mom.