It’s time to welcome you aboard, officially, as my girlfriend.
If I say congratulations are in order, will that seem self-regarding? Whatever.
There’s quite a lot that goes along with being my girlfriend. As Spider-Man says, with great power comes great responsibility. But also great perks!
Let’s look at those.
You’ll be coming in as a Level I girlfriend, which means that your salary range is $145K to $160K. That may not seem commensurate with what the girlfriends of other rich and powerful men receive, but my girlfriend program offers a lot more room for growth. At the end of the first year, if we’re really happy together, you’ll be eligible for a review process that could put you up at Level II, which starts at $195K.
Said process, of course, involves a so-called “girlfriend 360,” wherein you will be evaluated by my mother, my best friend from college, the doorman at my apartment building, and my children from previous marriages. You may have to hear some hard things in that process, but it’s all aimed at making you a better girlfriend, not tearing you down.
In this packet, you’ll find a temporary girlfriend ID card, which entitles you to deep discounts at participating Red Lobsters and tremendous deals on top-rack designer eyewear from LensCrafters. The word “temporary” refers to the card, not you. I’m totally committed to being with you forever. The regular laminated card with Bachrach photo takes about 10 days to process.
I can hear your mind whirring: “Was it the mojitos last night or did he say something about a free gym membership?” Of course I did. I want you to feel great and look great. After all, you’re my girlfriend. Look in the pocket on the left side of this packet and you’ll see your new platinum membership to Prune, an elite gym with only 25 members. Your daily workouts there will be complemented by a Tuesday-afternoon three-hour session with Mr. Farzi, my personal kyokushin instructor. He’s Iranian, but the good kind. He fought Hezbollah with his bare hands or something. He teaches an esoteric style of standup karate, and you’ll need it because I know it.
There are other benefits. I really can’t think of a line you’ll ever have to wait in again, now that you’re my girlfriend. And one of my assistants, Hector, is already going over your calendar and having some of your appointments moved up. The idea that you would have to wait seven months for an opening with your own dermatologist is just crazy. He’s seeing you next Thursday at 1:15 now.
Some of the other benefits fall into the category of what some people might call “obscene perks,” and the reason people use that term is because it is completely, 100 percent accurate. Perks for my girlfriend are mostly handled by a below-the-radar firm called Obscene Perks LLP. You might have read about them in a Cindy Adams column, but scrubbing one’s name out of those kinds of columns is just one service offered by that firm.
Take some time to review the rest of the material in the packet, and then Hector will help you log onto an online Girlfriend Training Session. It only takes about 45 minutes, and at the end you answer 10 questions and it prints out a certificate of completion. Give that to Hector. I think Legal keeps it on file, and it kind of frees up our hearts and minds to be deliriously happy together.
You may have some questions, and I wish I were around to answer them. But somebody has to keep this whole operation humming. See the Spider-Man comment above! All of these wonderful opportunities for you do not happen by themselves.
You may also be thinking, “This is too good to be true,” and that’s a perfectly valid reaction. What I want you to remember from now on is this: You are my girlfriend, and therefore nothing is too good for you.