STRIVE TO BE N0RmaL
Thank you for using your presumably unexceptional income to purchase N0RmC0r3™ Brand Jeans for five hundred dollars. Here at N0RmC0r3™, we put limited effort into our jeans and they’re just average, plus we’re excited to say that it required over 10,000 banal office meetings to bring them to market. So congratulations—the product you hold in your hands is not unique!
We recommend sizing up by 6 to 7 inches to accommodate the normal weight gain that happens to everyone as they age. N0RmC0r3™ Jeans should fit comfortably in the thigh, gradually becoming tighter and more constricting until you genuinely can’t remember the last time you felt sexy. For your jeans to fit correctly, pull the belt loops up a half a foot above your belly button while lost in a worry about the cable bill. Purchase N0RmC0r3™ Brand Jeans with a slightly shorter inseam for the classic “Tuckahoe PTA treasurer returning from the supermarket” look, or wear them longer and unhemmed in the style of an exasperated CVS cashier. Wear N0RmC0r3™ Jeans your own way—but don’t, really.
GARMENT CARE INSTRUCTIONS
Machine wash and tumble dry only on Sunday afternoons while the meatloaf is in the oven.1 N0RmC0r3™ Jeans should be ironed begrudgingly. (For best results, take a second job to make ends meet and watch your hands shake as you anticipate another week in hell.) Wash bright colors separately, but you may launder N0RmC0r3™ Jeans with the clothes of a spouse whom you married out of fear of dying alone.
N0RmC0r3™ Brand Jeans are made the same way every ordinary American product is made: By the tiny fingers of enslaved children working for seven cents an hour. Be proud to wear your jeans unthinkingly—knowing that, like you, N0RmC0r3™ doesn’t strive to be exceptional or different. We know you won’t love your N0RmC0r3™ Jeans for years to come. You’ll just heave them over your misshapen legs and get on with the daily business of being a fucking nobody.
The N0RmC0r3™ Brand Jeans Team
1 N0RmC0r3™ Jeans are actually made from extremely fragile archaeological Himalayan denim. Even so much as touching water will result in mind boggling shrinkage and discoloration. When this occurs, complain to our automated helpline and receive no response.
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