You’re a high-powered executive. In between backdating stock options, studying Section 182(a) of your company’s bylaws—double-checking that you did in fact violate it and, if so, on which quarter/s of what year/s—and hiding toxic assets, you just don’t have the time or energy to fire thousands of employees anymore.
But the traditional ways of downsizing are slow and costly. “Why isn’t there a software application,” you wonder out loud, pounding on your 19th century credenza desk for emphasis, “that can do the work of an entire HR department, so I can fire them too?”
Now there is, and you’ve already been using it to rent movies online.
Netloss is the world’s first web-based computer program dedicated to employee dismissal. Engineered by former Netflix programmers, Netloss sends out thousands of pink envelopes to office mailboxes. It turns any standard outplacement into real life drama. Feel the same thrill of building your queue. Imagine the pulse-raising morass of emotions the other guy must be experiencing when he checks the mail and peels open the envelope. Then sit back, relax and “watch” your company turn a profit. Before you fire anyone else the old fashioned way, let’s get into the features of Netloss.
The Firing Queue
While it looks like a simple list of names, the firing queue contains a depth of information about each employee about to be terminated. Think of it more as a catalog of lives, each with a long-winded plea that you don’t have time for. Hold your mouse over an employee’s name and a headshot with a concise summary of fireable offenses appears. Suspect email strings sent from the worker are flagged and displayed. And, a five-point dollar rating shows how much money your company will save from the outplacement. As we send out pink slips based on your rankings, the queue refreshes itself. Find someone new to fire? You can add that person’s name in, shifting employees at your will. Efficient, impersonal without being aloof, and even enjoyable, that’s the Netloss firing queue.
May We Suggest Firing?
Based on trends in your dismissals, we at Netloss have developed a system that can recommend other people perfect for sending to the welfare line. The database is called FireFly. It uses your layoff history and preferences to suggest other workers fit to fire with 75% accuracy. For example, if you tend to shit-can employees without families who are older than 40—an ideal place to start—FireFly will suggest more people who match that description. Browse employees by sector (sales and marketing, management, IT, etc.) and we’ll find people you won’t even remember meeting. We’ve also created the FireFly Prize, which gives one million dollars to the programming team who makes our suggestion system 10% more accurate. This is an important initiative for us at Netloss. We don’t want you to fire anyone; we want you to fire the right anyone.
Layoffs happen at unexpected times. Perhaps it’s a personal matter, such as a rude comment overheard at an informal meeting, or maybe investors are hungry for blood. Not a problem. At no additional charge, and with just one click of a button, you can terminate an employee immediately. We’ll send out a pink slip right to his or her mailbox, right away. Currently this feature only works on operating systems with Microsoft Windows.
The Fire All Feature
Picking off one or two employees at a time is useful on a daily basis, but drastic times call for drastic measures. Here’s what we recommend: go to your office and stare out the window. Summon all of your courage. Think about where business is naturally shrinking. Ask yourself tough questions such as, “Do I need employees stocking the warehouse or can I replace them with these new stockbots?” Turn to your computer and, with one click, fire all the people in an entire division. The Fire All feature is so effective, you’ll be able to lease out space on emptied floors of your office building by the next day.
It’s time to take staff displacement into the 21st century. Payment plans start at $5,000 a month to fire 10 workers at a time, or $50,000 to fire 50 at a time. We at Netloss understand that no one is safe in this economy, even vigilant people like you who are keeping it afloat. If you’ve been feeling pressured to resign—from stockbrokers, taxpayers, the government, etc.—Netloss will keep working. Put it in bankruptcy mode, and the program will wait until the market swings back around. After the pleasant sound of several chords being struck at once, it will reboot and build your business back up from scratch. The program will buy stock using accurate prediction models, stream new business presentations to foreign investors and hire a whole new workforce, maybe even you.
The next time you meet with your board and they ask why your VP hasn’t been coming to work lately, assure them by saying, “I haven’t seen him, but he was in my queue.”