You can’t get a good bagel in California.

Why are there no good birds in Missouri?

Alabama has a lot of stuff, but you can’t find a good shopping mall hot dog.

There are never any good picnics in South Dakota.

There are no good bubble baths in New Mexico.

Why are there no good donkeys in Oregon?

It’s impossible to get a good linen trouser in Idaho.

There are no good pencil sharpeners in Oklahoma.

You can not find a good telephone in New Hampshire.

Where can you get a good cup of coffee in Arizona? You can’t.

There is no place to get a good colonic in Nebraska.

You can’t get a good major league soccer team in Alaska.

North Dakota doesn’t have any good non-dairy options.

It’s impossible to have a good nap in South Carolina.

If you’re looking for a good stapler, you’d better stay away from Florida.

Why can’t you find good macaroni art in Hawaii?

You can’t get a good paper airplane out of Maine.

You can’t get a good French teacher in Nevada.

Good conference calls are missing in Massachusetts.

Where are the good cars in Delaware? There aren’t any.

You can find a lot of things in Kentucky, but a good atrium is not one of them.

There are no good songs in Utah.

You can’t find a good alien autopsy in Texas.

Why can’t Rhode Island make a good birthday cake?

You’ll never find a good bunny slipper in Illinois.

Why doesn’t Arkansas have good flowers?

There are no good maps in Colorado.

Georgia is completely lacking in good ¾” wrenches.

You can’t find good lawn art in Indiana.

Ohio has no good allergies.

Where are the good popsicles? Not in Tennessee.

Pennsylvania, why can’t you make a good toothbrush?

We’ll never get a good slice of cheddar cheese out of Kansas.

Vermont, completely devoid of good doggy bags.

You can’t get a good echo out of Washington.

There are no good meat substitutions in Louisiana.

You won’t find a good haunted car in Wisconsin.

Wyoming can never come up with a good math problem.

You won’t find a good stuffed penguin in West Virginia.

There’s no good cuckoo clock museum in Mississippi.

There’s a lot of lights, but no good lights, in Connecticut.

Iowa has no good mermaids.

Where can you get a good robot? Don’t ask Maryland.

There is no good scented candle reseller in New Jersey.

Why are there no good shadows in Virginia?

Surprising but true: you’ll never find a good hypnotist in North Carolina.

You can’t get good batteries in Minnesota.

There are no good spooky dolls in Montana.

Good magazines don’t exist in Michigan.

There are no good parking places in New York.