“Do you like sex?” is what Arab men ask women when they think they can “score” online.

What’s most troubling is that they feel the need to ask another member of the human species whether or not they like sex, a biological imperative based in natural instinct and desire. It is akin to asking someone if they’re fond of breathing. It is not a matter of preference; sex is not mushroom soup.

I wish sex were mushroom soup though, as surely Arab women would appreciate that more. They have a better chance communicating their needs to a bowl than they do to their significant others, and that’s because the Arab understanding of sex is narrower than a straw, the following are the widely accepted, unchallenged conceptions we have about it:

1) Sex is mainly for making babies, it’s a straightforward, objective process; please do not ruin it with feelings and foreplay.

2) Men love sex, because they are animals who cannot control their basic instincts. Really, a rusty pipe will do in a pinch.

3) Women don’t love sex, because women are supposed to be pure, and sex is just yucky. The ones that like it must be westernized, weird, corrupt or slutty. Women must have sex though in order to make the babies and please their husbands so they won’t divorce them or get a second, younger, prettier wife who will live right next door, take up her all husband’s time.

The only people enjoying themselves here are the men. And they seem to be the reason why most women are feel something between indifference and disdain about sex.

Since all Arab countries are Muslim, their societies are naturally conservative and purposely ignorant when it comes to sex, the mother of all taboos. Arabs would rather acknowledge and praise the Jewish state of Israel than talk about sex or their feelings, two things they believe to be mutually exclusive.

Shortly before Arabs hit puberty, both sexes customarily part ways (assuming they didn’t separate earlier), and sex is turned into an unnatural, unfathomable thing done behind locked doors… under the covers… in dark rooms… on wedding nights.

But then boys learn to fall in love with their hands and “xxxXXXxx Hot tight sexy Ukraine teens with webcams xxxXXXxxx.” As they grow older (and hornier), they are likely to either hire overweight-underpaid-professional help or seek out a “troubled, comely slut.” When a young man pursues a young woman just for sex, it’s wrong, but still an easily understandable and forgivable mistake, because after all he’s male, he likes sex! But if the woman pursues the man, she’s a sinful whore. It’s not like she actually likes sex, she doesn’t have “uncontrollable urges.” That’s exactly why we circumcised her in the first place, goddamnit!

Arab men’s sexual experience before marriage is self-serving. They are only aware of and concerned about their own pleasure. The clitoris is an alien to them, the concept of foreplay is a waste, the variety of positions are unknown and the female orgasm is a myth created by women to vex men.

The only times an Arab man will seriously discuss sex will be when he is a) stressing the proper “time and place” to discuss “such delicacies” (a million years from now when humanity is on the verge of extinction), b) criticizing movies/books with sexual references, because how dare they reflect reality? and c) condemning the sexually-active Americanized, rock-music loving, disgraceful youth. Eventually, the young man will marry, and exchange his hand for his wife (or wives, or wives and mistresses) and live blissfully unaware of his own sexual shortcomings.

The women are a different story; a horror story. They are born, then allowed to grow to a certain age, like eleven years old, after which her family and society force her to remain at that exact level of awareness and maturity. The only sex advice an Arab woman is likely to receive is a) never put out and b) be “willing” with her future husband.

Empirical evidence shows that sex is the number one killer of relationships in the Middle East. What the bogeyman is to children, sex is to adult Arabs, nonexistent, but still baffling, fascinating, and deeply frightening. Although no girl has seen the bogeyman, we all assume he’s evil and religiously avoid our closets at night. Guys, on the other hand, brag about fondling the doorknob and lie about having killed the man a long time ago.

No matter what young people do, their relationships are almost always doomed.

Assuming they have sex:
Young women in relationships mostly have sex out because of pressure (from their boyfriends and/or themselves) to please only their boyfriends. Strangely, a considerable amount of them claim to never “having been interested it in the first place,” using the “I was just following orders” excuse. The sad thing is they actually mean it. Afterwards, they’re consumed by guilt and shame, coupled with society’s overbearing judgment, the relationship will slowly implode.

Or they may feel entitled to a higher form of commitment as emotional payment to their service (marriage), in which case the man will shrug, stutter and run, that coupled with society’s overbearing judgment, the relationship will slowly implode.

Assuming they don’t have sex:
They will go on dates, hold hands “appropriately,” and maybe go as far as to make out in the backseat of a vehicle. Prior to their relationship, sex was just a vague prospect in the distant future, but now it is a real possibility that one or both of them may want but are unable to do anything about it, before they cross the finish line; marriage. The younger they are, the longer they will have to wait to get married in order to break the curse. They resort to disappointing alternatives like sexting and dirty, hazy headless pictures. With time, coupled with society’s overbearing judgment, the relationship will slowly implode.

Just like men, women refuse to discuss sex as well. Partly because they’re supposed to be shy and “innocent” (or ignorant) of all life matters. This silence spreads its legs all the way to their bedrooms, because talking about intimacies with your husband/boyfriend is Steve-Carell-awkward. Hell, it even implies you actually “want it and stuff.” As a result sex resides in the idle category of gossip and peer-bitching.

As for married women, sex is mostly regarded as a routine, somewhat dreadful, chore. It’s easier than cooking, harder than doing the dishes, and takes about as long as reheating food. They know even less about sex than their husbands, and they’re particularly petrified of oral sex, always one swallow away from projectile vomiting.

If Arab women had their way, humans would reproduce via close-proximity eyelash fluttering.

Luckily for the ladies, in Arab marriages, sex quickly grows shorter and less frequent, until the couple reaches a stage where it is again practically forbidden. To the women, it’s just like: “No, your libido should have receded with your hairline.”

To the future hate-mailers:

No, this is not a personal attack on your sex life, I am sure you (and your cousins, and that neighbor that moved out last month) have a lot of healthy, fulfilling sex with interesting people. I am not being “self-racist,” I can’t, because it’s not a word. Aaand, I will eventually die at some point, no need to dedicate fervent prayers to the inevitable. You’re just wasting God’s time now.