I haven’t met Barack Obama. But I’ve seen a lot of pictures and footage of him on television, so I feel like I have. He has an unusually thin neck for a man of his size. He’s tall, thin, and extremely handsome, which always works very well on television.

Television is supposed to put 10 pounds on anyone who’s on it, but I think the 10 pounds are more likely to wind up on the people who are watching it. Either way, Barack Obama could use 10 pounds, specifically on his neck. (I’m not sure which is worse—Barack Obama’s neck or the gap in Condoleezza Rice’s teeth. But that’s another story.)

Andrew Sullivan has a big neck, and although he’s gay, and a conservative, I find his neck very attractive. I’ve heard Andrew got his thick neck from playing rugby. Rugby is a lot like football but involves long periods where men are pushing against other men with their heads; hence the big, muscular neck. But this is about Barack Obama, not rugby. Except that if Barack Obama had played rugby instead of going to law school, he’d have a big neck and then I wouldn’t feel so bad.

Barack also has a deep, sexy voice, a voice that, by the way, is somehow created with vocal cords located in that thin neck. Women love big, low voices like Barack’s. Tom Hanks has a voice like that. Men also like men who have deep voices, which is why, as bad as I feel about Barack Obama’s neck, I feel equally good about his voice. I know there must be a way for Barack Obama to have his neck fixed, or, at least, to cover it up with high collars. I don’t think he should wear turtlenecks through a whole presidential campaign, although, come to think about it, turtlenecks would distinguish him from all the other regular-shirt and tie-wearing candidates he’d have to encounter along the way.

Barack Obama is also black. I know this because it’s obvious. It has nothing at all to do with the size of his neck, except that, because he’s black, and with that voice, you’d almost expect him to have a thicker neck. Some of the largest necks I’ve seen are on football players, many of whom are African-American. By the way, rugby is a lot like football, but I said that before.

A lot of African-American football players who have large necks also have high voices. Barry Bonds does, but he’s a baseball player. His neck is thick, allegedly, because of steroids. But for some reason his voice didn’t change along with his neck.

I’m pretty sure Barack Obama’s neck is thinner than Hillary Clinton’s.

So it’s a good thing his voice is deeper.