FADE IN:
INT. RYONGSONG RESIDENCE — PYONGANG — NIGHT
KIM JONG-UN fiddles with his iPad while talking to Army General KANG PYO YANG.
KIM JONG-UN
I’m just, like, do I invade America or not? And then I’m all, “What would my dad do?” Y’know?
YANG
Yeah… yeah, it’s like (unintelligible).
KIM JONG-UN
I’d be the worst soldier ever. Can you imagine?
YANG
I know. I’d be, like, “Ummm, which way do I point the gun again?”
KIM JONG-UN
Totally. What time’s it?
YANG
(checks iPhone)
Twenty-one hundred hours.
KIM JONG-UN
Damn. I told Myeong I’d watch a college basketball game with him in the Grand Imperial Recreation Center.
YANG
Whatever. That guy’s the biggest flake. Remember the missile test?
KIM JONG-UN
No. What was it?
YANG
When you asked him to do the missile test, and it completely failed, and he was just like, “Oops, my bad,” and we were like, “No, you don’t get it, that seriously damages our military credibility in the international theater.”
KIM JONG-UN
Oh, yeah. I’ll text him that I can’t make it. (frowns at iPhone)
Ah. I got a new phone and don’t have his number. You have it?
YANG
Hold on… it’s 361.
KIM JONG-UN
It’s weird how we used to know all our friends’ numbers by heart, and now I, like, can’t even remember my own.
YANG
So weird. Like, my best friend Jegal growing up was 989.
KIM JONG-UN
Hwangbo was 168. I wonder what he’s doing now…Wait, so what was I saying?
YANG
Uh… oh, the invasion of America.
KIM JONG-UN
Right. It’s sort of, like, do we possess sufficient manpower and arms to launch a full-scale attack on the world’s ostensible military superpower, and will it, y’know, result in a global condemnation and intervention and the near-certain destruction of our country, or, um, should I just, like, be content with living in my seventeen palaces and surfing my non-blocked Internet and eating all the rice I want? It’s such a hard decision.
YANG
So hard.
KIM JONG-UN
I feel like our parents’ generation had it way easier. It was, just, go to Marxist-Leninist school, get a mistress, get an official wife, rule the state with an iron fist while funneling billions of dollars into Swiss bank accounts, get a second and third mistress, and die in a reported apoplectic fit after hearing about construction mistakes on a hydro-electric plant. You know what I mean?
YANG
Totally. It’s like…
A long BEAT.
KIM JONG-UN
Help me fill out my NKCupid profile?
We CUT TO BLACK as “Ho Hey” by the Lumineers is covered by a North Korean electropop-girl-band.