Hey everyone, it’s great to be here in Pyongyang! This really is a beautiful city. No one does concrete like you guys. Clap if you like poured concrete. Swell.

Are there any marine biologists in the audience tonight? Any marine biologists? No, because marine biology does not serve the greater interests of the socialist state!

Well, I just flew in from the DMZ and boy, are my arms tired … from digging tunnels underneath South Korean fortifications! Let me tell you something about the DMZ: for a zone that’s supposedly demilitarized, there sure are a lot of land mines!

Anyway, I was down at the DMZ, checking out South Korea through my binoculars, and I noticed that they do things a little differently over there. For instance, North Koreans are really relaxed and laid back when they drive, while South Koreans drive like the stooges of Western oligarchies! I mean, South Korea? More like Capitalist Pig Dog Korea. Am I right?

But it’s nice to be back in Pyongyang. Get to see my wife and kids. Let me tell you, my wife asks more questions than Western spies! Comrades, has your wife or girlfriend ever asked you, “Honey, what are you thinking?” My wife asked me that the other day, and I was all like, “I’m thinking about ways to better our country and secure the future for socialism. What are you, a journalist? You know that reporting on things is forbidden!” The guys know what I’m talking about. The censors, too.

I’ll tell you what the real axis of evil is: My mother-in-law, capitalists, and my wife’s cooking! Talk about wasting the resources of the state! My wife puts so much salt on her bibimbap, there won’t be any left to spread over the fields of our enemies to make it so that nothing will grow for a thousand years!

One problem I’ve been having at home is that my son won’t do his chores. Why can’t they have reeducation camps for that? Why does it always have to be about purging reactionary thoughts from the minds of traitors? Can’t they just have my son do hard labor until he learns to clean his room once in a while? And what’s the deal with labor and reeducation camp food, anyway? Nothing! It is perfectly suitable for enemies of the state. In fact, it is only because of the infinite generosity of our Dear Leader that the enemies of Socialism are given food at all!

Oh, you guys are gonna love this. I read something about Dear Leader in the paper today. Really, you can look it up, this was actually in the paper today: “Dear Leader to Live for 200 Years.” Can you believe this? I didn’t make this up, this was actually printed! 200 years!? Everyone knows that Kim Jong Il is immortal and if he leaves the Earth he will do so on the gilded wings of a majestic dragon!

What’s up with our glorious leader, anyway? I mean, is that guy a hero of the people or what? You ever see any of the murals depicting his life and deeds? How terrible are they? We all know that he’s much more handsome and radiant in person! And his family pictures? He’s not smiling, his kids are totally deadpan. I mean, in all his portraits he’s not smiling, he’s totally deadpan … it’s like he’s Buster Keaton or something! Just kidding, Buster Keaton was a decadent pig.

I like how Dear Leader is 5’ 2", and has a huge collection of luxury cars. Now, I don’t want to imply that Kim Jong Il is trying to compensate for something, but … actually, no, I don’t want to imply that under fear of death.

And what’s the deal with airline food? Seriously. I would like to know what airline food, or any food, is like.

Well, that’s all the time I’ve got. You’ve been an obedient audience and have laughed at appropriate times. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip off your waitresses about any seditious activities you’ve observed! Everyone serving you is in the secret police.