This ’80s teen comedy is committed to providing a space that is free from sexual harassment. Sexual harassment in the workplace, the outdoor cafeteria of a high school, or a coed dorm room will not be tolerated unless it’s crucial to the plot. When an allegation of sexual harassment is credible and/or places our central nerd character in an unsympathetic light, we will take prompt and appropriate corrective action.
What is Sexual Harassment?
Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, telling your friend’s suspiciously young, hot mom that she looks healthy, and panty raids constitute sexual harassment. Also when:
- A party invitation for a rager at Brad’s house affecting an individual is made because the individual submitted to or rejected the unwelcome conduct
- The unwelcome conduct unreasonably interferes with an individual’s ability to shower after a particularly grueling volleyball practice session
Certain behaviors, such as conditioning prom invites, science project partnerships, defending someone’s honor in front of an entire pep rally or other benefits upon acceptance of unwelcome actions of a sexual nature, are always wrong.
Unwelcome actions such as the following are inappropriate and, depending on the circumstances, may in and of themselves meet the definition of sexual harassment and also constitute the longest scene in the film, killing any momentum and pacing:
- Standing on a comically long ladder in front of a curtainless bedroom window that you can avoid detection by just leaning slightly to the side
- Demanding that diminutive underclassman inquire about the color of the senior exchange student’s undergarments;
- Any attempt, failed or otherwise, of the movie popcorn trick
- Engaging a teacher or school administrator in any extracurricular activities beyond academic pursuits or a reasonable amount of chalkboard eraser pounding
- Openly reading pornographic magazines in the library inside of a copy of Newsweek with Manuel Noriega on the cover
- Gambling on the loss of one’s virginity
- Spending an inordinate amount of time underwater while wearing prescription goggles at a back-to-school pool party.
A victim of sexual harassment can be a man or a woman. The victim can be of the same sex as the harasser, however, in that case, the victim of the abuse can just look straight ahead with their eyes bugging out for several seconds while the audience roll in the aisles laughing at such an absurd premise.
Responsibilities Under This Policy
If an allegation of sexual harassment is received, the necessary steps will be taken to ensure that the matter will prompt a stern and heartfelt head shaking by a vice principal in an ill-fitting suit with an unflattering mustache. If the allegation is determined to be credible, the parents of all parties involved will engage in an epic food fight at the country club they belong to. Failure to report such incidents will be considered a violation of this policy and may result in disciplinary action, which could result in the perpetrator getting accepted into their safety school instead.
We will seek to protect the identities of the alleged victim and harasser, but the identity of the harasser will be explored with 4x the amount of screen time as the victim, who the audience will only get to know via hair color, measurements, and relationship to the thick-necked quarterback of the football team.
In addition to reporting sexual harassment concerns to a responsible official, those who believe they have been subjected to sexual harassment may elect to pursue resolution in several ways, including:
- Mediation: Just call your lawyer dad to come down to the school and throw around some legal jargon that will flummox the principal to the point of accidentally falling out of a window.
- Grievances: These will be filed and kept in the archives next to the lady at the front desk in the school office who was born during WWI and has thick enough glasses to withstand a Zeppelin crash.
- Attempts to deform the offending person’s genitals by pulling them through a shower wall or pouring some bubbling chemical compound on them while everyone else just goes on with their schoolwork.
All students, teachers, staff, supervisors, and racial caricatures are required to comply with this policy. All parties are expected to behave professionally and to exercise good judgment until a song with a bitchin’ guitar or saxophone solo in it starts playing over a loudspeaker. Further, all are expected to take appropriate measures to prevent sexual harassment. Failure to do so will result in your bad choices being rebroadcast on HBO fifteen times a month until 2002.