“Shots! Shots! Shots! … From the French army’s cannons!”

“Tequila! … Is a region in Mexico far away from Puebla, the city where we are fighting the French Empire’s forces.”

“Arriba! Arriba! … We’re being pelted by bullets from above!”

“Margaritas! … And Marias! And Isabels! The women are fighting alongside the men to retake the city of Puebla from the French occupiers!”

“Where is my sombrero? … I seemed to have misplaced it in the heat of battle. I hope it isn’t found by a white twenty-something, worn in an insulting way, and paired with a fake mustache.”

“Cinco de mayo! … Isn’t even a federal holiday in Mexico!”

“Mexican Independence Day! … Is NOT today.”

“Cinco de drinko! … Oh, sorry. I’m saying nonsensical things because I’ve been hit in the head by a French bullet.”

“Fiesta! … Is the last thing on my mind on the 5th of May, the day we’re fighting the French Empire who’ve taken the city of Puebla with the help of Mexican nobles who want us to become an empire loyal to Napoleon III.”

“Yo quiero Taco Bell! … Nope.