“During an interview on The Hill’s online program ‘Rising,’ conservative author Bethany Mandel was stumped when co-host Briahna Joy Gray pressed her to give a definition of the word ‘woke,’ which has been used incessantly by the right to criticize all things vaguely liberal.” — The Daily Beast
Wait, sorry, I still can’t. Yes, I realize I wrote a book about wokeness, but the purpose of that book was to rile up racists, misogynists, and homophobes who don’t like how unpopular their ideas are anymore. Frankly, the definition isn’t nearly as important as the fear and rage the word arouses among a particular demographic, so it’s fine.
Honestly, stop asking me what that word means. I’m telling you that I can’t define it. All I can tell you is that woke people are destroying the world, and the only people who would even dare ask me what woke is are definitely woke.
Does woke have a straightforward definition in the dictionary? Sure. Merriam-Webster defines woke as “aware of and actively attentive to critical societal facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice).” But that makes woke sound like a good thing, whereas according to my Hobby Lobby worldview, racial sensitivity is basically Nazism, Antifa-ism, and Socialism wrapped together, but radically so, and with angry mobs.
Furthermore, I don’t particularly like it when people are aware of racial justice issues. That’s why anti-woke warriors like Ron DeSantis are taking our history of racism out of school syllabi and policing teachers who teach about it. In a Tallahassee federal courtroom, his attorney defined woke as “The belief there are systemic injustices in American society and the need to address them.” I mean, come on. Get over it, people. Enough with the addressing of systematic injustices. It’s like, every time I watch the George Floyd video, I get so angry at the woke protesters.
You see, you’re missing the main point here. Woke is a secret code word, a whistle of sorts, that alerts people who look and think like me that we’re on the same side without ever having to use a racial slur in public. Also, whenever I use the word woke, people click on my links, order my books and buy my merch. That probably sounds like a grift, but once you trigger the conservative mind into a sense of grievance, they’re more likely to give you their money.
As a bonus, every time I use the word woke, I’m stealing a term that dates back to Marcus Garvey, Lead Belly, and Black activists trying to move this country forward and away from its racist roots. Did someone say racist roots? I don’t believe that for a second—how could a group of white slave-owning founding fathers possibly be racist? It’s crazy anyone would even think that.
Listen, I may not be able to define woke, but I can tell you some things that are woke, like M&Ms, Megan Rapinoe modeling for Victoria’s Secret, gas stoves, tofu, Critical Race Theory, the media, wheelchair ramps, the military, diversity and inclusion, saving the planet, women who don’t want to marry men, and anyone I decide to call a groomer. Like I said: angry mobs.
I hope that clears things up for you. Regardless, the real racists are the people making fun of me for being unable to define woke. People saying mean things to me on Twitter makes me look like a victim, and oh look: I just sold another 5000 books. Checkmate, wokesters.