Unlike most family plans that let you share minutes and data across multiple lines, this plan allows you to make free calls to the police as long as they’re to report innocent families of color attempting to barbecue in public spaces. "Family” is loosely defined and can include any group of black people, from nuclear families, to groups of friends, to strangers who are simply standing close to each other and/or making eye contact.
Nights and Weekends Plan
This plan was designed to give you unlimited usage during peak hours for unsubstantiated, racially-motivated police calls: nights and weekends. Stop worrying about burning your minutes when you stumble home from a “Cowboys and Indians” sorority party at 1 AM and feel compelled to call the cops on a black student who fell asleep in the common area of your dorm because she was literally studying too hard. It’s free!
Pick Three Plan
A truly innovative new service, Pick Three gives you direct lines to three government agencies of your choosing (ICE, Homeland Security, Voter Fraud Commission, etc) to more effectively report “suspicious activity.” For example, say you’re on a college tour and notice a couple of indigenous people standing nearby. All you have to do is dial * and you’ll be immediately connected to an institution that will waste taxpayer dollars investigating the fruits of your unconscious bias.
Bigoted white women who are troubled by children of color selling water, playing tag, or just being black in predominantly white neighborhoods will love this plan. With 2,000 free calls to local authorities to report anyone under twelve, you can’t beat this super racist summer offer. Comes with a complimentary stars and stripes phone case.
Does this sound familiar? You’re a racist white woman on vacation, enjoying a relaxing game of golf, when you spot a group of club-clad African-American women on the course. Naturally, you take out your phone to call the police but, darn it, you don’t know if 911 is a thing where you are. Well, thanks to the International plan, all you have to do is dial ACK (225) to be connected with local authorities anywhere in the world. WARNING: Responding officers in some foreign countries may not tolerate your bullshit.
Double Data Plan
With more data than any other plan, this offer is perfect for racist white women who, say, don’t have the energy to call the cops on African-American high school boys innocently shopping for prom suits at Nordstrom, but are inspired enough to post an Instagram story about them that will go viral in alt-right chat groups and end up being retweeted by the president of the United States.
Cable Bundle Plan
Named the best value plan in a study of white women who baselessly call the cops on African Americans checking out of Airbnbs, the Cable Bundle gives you free unlimited wireless calling when you bundle your service with the following television shows and channels: Fox News, Infowars TV, Megyn Kelly Today, Lou Dobbs Tonight, Cops, Little Rascals reruns, and the Seinfeld episodes with Babu.
Best for racist white women who routinely have their phones destroyed by angry mobs of morally outraged people after reporting African Americans meeting friends at Starbucks, this plan sends you a new phone with a new number every week. Never worry about having to tell the Bernie bro at the Genius Bar what happened to your cracked iPhone or getting doxxed and shamed into oblivion again.
This phoneless wireless plan helps racist white women get to the root of their insecurities around people of color and attempts to deprogram centuries of internalized racial propaganda that has shaped and rotted their psyches. Requires a minimum two-year contract.