If your primary concern as a citizen is the enforcing of laws, whatever they may be, then Pontius Pilate, former Roman governor of Judea, is your presidential candidate for 2020! Fully endorsed by the GOP, Pontius has proven his loyalty to legal obedience throughout his consistent reign of Judaea.

Having served as the fifth prefect under Emperor Tiberius for a decade, Pontius carried out Roman law with such ardor as to have gained a reputation for being of questionable mind, inciting riots by taunting his constituents, and ordering “hasty executions,” just like today’s most effective politicians.

His humble beginnings as an equestrian soldier have given him the homegrown roots to fully understand the true plight of the forgotten man, simply trying to keep his obsolete job in an antiquated industry, resisting social and occupational change by refusing to learn computers or grow as a person, constantly threatened by dangerous illegals creeping across the border to open taco trucks and clean his toilets.

Pontius knows your plight! And he is ready to fight for you, whether that means punishing a woman for bleeding outside of the “woman’s space” under the family stairs, flogging a member of the lower class for wearing purple, or calling for the crucifixion of a supposed messiah.

Just because walls didn’t save the Roman Empire from collapsing, doesn’t mean they won’t save America!

Pontius takes seriously his promise to carry out the full letter of law, and then some, regardless of whether the law is ethical, fair, unclear, contrary to civilized life, or completely made up for political control. Because as Pilate and any real American knows, adherence to the law is more important than even being a good person, and anyone who suffers a consequence of breaking the law had it coming! Even toddlers!

So, put your faith, decency, and morals aside, and remember…