Old MacDonald Had an Organic Urban Rooftop Farm.
BY GARTH HORN
“Old MacDonald had an organic urban rooftop farm, EEE-I-EEE-I-O! And on that farm he had a vegan girlfriend named September who he met at a sheep shearing class at 3rdWard in Brooklyn who was totally hot and was totally into the rooftop-farming thing until she realized that she liked going to the Hamptons a whole lot more so she dumped Old MacDonald for a documentary filmmaker/personal trainer/DJ/sushi chef/surfboard shaper/trust fund baby whose father owns half of East Hampton.”
“… And on that farm he had a tattoo of Tony Danza with the words WHO’S THE BOSS written underneath it on his right forearm but then he saw a guy on the L train with a tattoo of the whole cast of Saved By The Bell on his thigh, which got him thinking that maybe he should get another tattoo of Alyssa Milano and that woman who played her mom on his other forearm, you know, to up the irony-ante.”
“… And on that farm he had these things called ‘ramps,’ which are totally trending in restaurants right now, especially in areas like Greenpoint and Bushwick where sometimes, even in a low-key place on a butt-ugly block across the street from the projects, a pretty basic salad with some ramps in it will cost like 12 bucks but then they’re all like, ‘we’re cash only,’ which is bullshit because if you can charge 12 bucks for a salad, 24 for an entrée and another 12 for a glass of wine, then you probably can afford to cut a deal with American Express.”
“… And on that farm he had this awesome, custom-built ‘fixie,’ which he used to ride to work but now he takes on the subway even when it’s perfect biking weather, because he lost control of it coming over the Williamsburg Bridge the other day and got so scared that he crapped in his skinny jeans a little bit, which isn’t totally true because they were ‘super skinny’ and he crapped in them a lot.”
“… And on that farm he had a lot of time on his hands so he started to wonder if this whole urban rooftop-farming thing was just a passing fad like rollerblades, high-waisted jeans, gluten-free diets and Second Life, and thought that maybe he should scrap the farm and open up a an olde time barber shop that sells organic moustache wax, artisanal salami and vinyl records specializing in German electronica from the mid ‘70s and early ‘80s.”
“… And on that farm he had a partner named Jessie who grew up in New Jersey but speaks with a faux English accent and says stuff like, ‘I’m busting for a slash, mate’ and ‘I’m just gonna pop out for a fag, yeah?’ because he lived in London for a year when he was nine, which shouldn’t bother Old MacDonald but for some reason it sends him into a rage even though he and Jessie have a totally awesome connection on so many other levels, right down to their secret, mutual obsession with the band Maroon 5.”
“… And on that farm he had an idea for a reality TV show called Who Will Be The Next Top Organic Urban Rooftop Farmer/Tattoo Artist/Vintage Vespa-Riding/Reiki Master Who Only Has Sex With Supermodels …no seriously, he thought that would be a good idea for a reality TV show.”
“Old MacDonald had an organic urban rooftop farm, EEE-I-EEE-I-OOOOOOOOOOO!”
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