Welcome! Could you please take off your boots? We have a “no shoes inside” policy. It’s OK that you aren’t wearing socks, we just got new carpeting. It’s hemp.

Can I get you a drink? Here’s what I have: water — it’s filtered; milk — it’s almond; tea — it’s fair-trade; and juice — it’s freshly-squeezed. I also have wine — it’s imported. I have beer — it’s indie. I have seltzer — it’s La Croix. I have ginger beer — it’s from upstate. I have coffee — it’s arabica bean. I have espresso, too — it’s cold brew. Oh, and I have kombucha — it’s a SCOBY. Have you ever tried it? It’s so good for your immune system. I drink it twice a day — three times during a full moon.

Tea? Good choice. OK, I have Pomegranate Paradise and Monkfruit Monday… Monkfruit Monday it is. It’s loose leaves. Here, let me pour it for you into this casually perfect-looking mason jar — it’s lead-free.

Are you hungry? I’m not — I mostly subsist on rice crackers and whispers. We could have peanut butter — it’s actually sesame butter; jelly — it’s sugar-free; or dumplings — they’re hand-made. Oh, and I have kimchi, too — it’s from Chinatown.

I have beet chips — they’re hand-cut. I have mini-pizzas — they’re from Trader Joe’s. I have chocolate — it’s 90% dark. It’s so dark, it’s barely chocolate, more like a slightly sweet tar stick. I have ice cream — it’s small-batch. I have cheese — it’s raw. I have crackers; they’re whole wheat. I have marshmallows — they’re gelatin-free. I have pretzels — they’re nut-based. I also have a nut-free kind, too.

You’re allergic to gluten? No problem, I have lots of fruits and veggies — they’re farm-grown. We could make organic avocado toast — the bread is multi-grain. I have pasta — it’s chickpea. I have seven other kinds of pasta too, if you prefer, including pasta that’s not pasta at all, but made out of the shavings of carrots and squash — they’re garden grown. I have broccoli — it’s riced. I have bananas — they’re conflict-free. I have kale — it’s pickled. I have apples — they’re dried. I have yogurt — it’s Greek. I have kefir — it’s the best kind. I have bacon — it’s applewood. I have eggs — they’re cage-free. I have chicken — it’s free-range. I have tuna — it’s Albacore. I have hamburger — it’s grass-fed. I have hot dogs — they’re nitrate-free. We could also have pheasant burgers — they’re hand-fed. My friend sends the meat to me from her pheasant rescue farm in recycled cardboard containers made out of mushrooms that she also grows. She adopts birds of all kinds and lets them live on the property for as long as they can. When they die of old age or natural causes, she gives away the meat. She’s such an incredible person. All my friends are very incredible and do amazing and wonderful things — they’re all hand-picked.

If you’re not in the mood for pheasant burgers, we could make cauliflower pizza — it’s Keto. Or how about popcorn? It’s non-GMO. We can sprinkle it with nutritional yeast — it’s from the food co-op. I also have liquid aminos — they’re Braggs. You’ve never had nutritional yeast? It’s incredible, you have to try it. It’s like powdered cheese but dairy-free. I put it on everything. I carry a small food-grade pouch of it with me everywhere I go. It was made by an artisanal velvet worker who sources it from a village in Guyana. I got it at a pop-up shop in Brooklyn. Most of the proceeds from the purchase went to help people who have back problems.

Cool, so I’ll get that started. I have butter—it’s from Amish cows that love their lives. I have pink Himalayan salt — it’s from Himalaya. I have sriracha — it’s real sriracha. I have some spices that we can put on it, too. I have cardamom — it’s an anti-inflammatory; turmeric — it’s a superfood; or sage — it’s from my neighbor’s company. He buys the seeds from a wholesaler and plants them in his upcycled, tiny greenhouse.

OK, popcorn is done. I’ll stick it into this big plastic bowl. It’s from Target. Is it BPA-free? Oh — I couldn’t say.